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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Toilet Paper

A little old lady went to a grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter. The girl at the cash register said “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.” The little old lady went home, picked up the cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day she tries to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demands proof that she has a dog, because sometime old people eat dog food. She went home and brought in the dog. She then got the dog food. The next day she brought in a small box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.” The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, “That smells like poop.” The little old lady said, “It is! Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?”

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Where Are We

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.

As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are…very slowly?”

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing”

Finish the start

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

Analysis of the word “Fuck”

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word “fuck”. It is the one magical word, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language, “fuck” falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (Mary fucked John) and intransitive (John was fucked by Mary). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn’t give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I’m late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (John is ugly, fuck, he’s also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word “fuck.”

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
1) Surprise — “What the fuck are you doing here?”
2) Fraud — “I got fucked by the car dealer.”
3) Resignation — “Oh, fuck it!”
4) Trouble — “I guess I’m fucked now.”
5) Aggression — “FUCK YOU!”
6) Disgust — “Fuck me.”
7) Confusion — “What the fuck…?”
8) Difficulty — “I don’t understand this fucking business!”
9) Despair — “Fucked again….”
10) Pleasure — “I fucking couldn’t be happier.”
11) Displeasure — “What the fuck is going on here?”
12) Lost — “Where the fuck are we?”
13) Disbelief — “UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!”
14) Retaliation — “Up your fucking ass!”
15) Denial — “I didn’t fucking do it.”
16) Perplexity — “I know fuck-all about it.”
17) Apathy — “Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?”
18) Greetings — “How the fuck are ya?”
19) Suspicion — “Who the fuck are you?”
20) Panic — “Let’s get the fuck out of here.”
21) Directions — “Fuck off.”
22) Awe — “How the fuck did you do that?”

It can be used in an anatomical description — “He’s a fucking asshole.” It can be used to tell time — “It’s five fucking thirty.” It can be used in business — “How did I wind up with this fucking job?” It can be maternal — “Motherfucker.” It can be political — “Fuck Clinton!”

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
“What the fuck was that?” — Mayor of Hiroshima
“Where did all these fucking Indians come from?” — General Custer
“That’s not a real fucking gun, is it?” — John Lennon
“Who’s gonna fucking find out?” — Richard Nixon
“Why the fuck did that apple hit me?” — Issac Newton
“Heads are going to fucking roll.” — Marie Antoinette
“I could have used a fucking map.” — Ulysses
“Where the fuck is all this water coming from?” — Captain of the Titanic
“Any fucking idiot could understand that.” — Albert Einstein
“It DOES SO fucking look like her!” — Picasso
“Okay, I know… we’ll build this BIG fucking wall to keep them out.” — Emperor of the Ch’in Dynasty
“I can’t believe I just fucking said that.” — Patrick Henry
“Fucking backstabbers!” — Julius Caesar
“You want what on the fucking ceiling?” — Michelangelo
“Fellatio is not fucking!” — Bill Clinton
“Where is that fucking pizza guy?” — Elvis
“Why? Because its fucking there!” — Sir Edmund Hilary
“I don’t suppose its gonna fucking rain?” — Joan of Arc
“Scattered fucking showers my ass.” — Noah
“I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head.” — John F. Kennedy
“What are the fucking chances I’m going to heaven?” — Adolf Hitler
“Hey, where the fuck are your turbans?” — Christopher Columbus when he discovered the “Indians”.

A Ton Of Jokes About Men

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
They don’t have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don’t stop and ask for directions.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don’t know; it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

When do you care for a man’s company?
When he owns it.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.

What did God say after creating Eve?
Practice makes perfect.

Man says to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
God says: “So you would love her.”
“But God,” the man says, “why did you make her so dumb?”
God says: “So she would love you.”

Barrel

A bunch of guys are sailing across the ocean. It’s been a few days out at sea and already one guy starts getting horny, so he goes to the captain and asks what he should do. The captain tells him, “There’s a barrel over there with a hole in it. We just use that.”

The guy decides that’s a pretty good idea, so he goes over to the barrel and starts humping it. Much to his surprise, he enjoys the act thoroughly, so when he’s done he goes over to his captain. “Man,” he says, “that was exactly what I needed! Is there a limit on how often I can do that?”

The captain replies, “Any time other than Tuesdays.”

The guy asks, “Why not Tuesdays?”

The captain says, “’Cause that’s your day in the barrel!”