1st Officer: “Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?”
2nd Officer: “Who?”
1st Officer: “Janet Jackson!”
2nd Officer: “What she do, was she speeding?”
1st Officer: “Nah, she had one headlight out.”
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news for you.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have only 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That’s terrible! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?
Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.
A doctor, an engineer and an attorney were discussing which of them belonged to the oldest of the three professions they represented.
The doctor said, “On the sixth day, God took a rib from Adam and created Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.”
The engineer replied, “Ah, but before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, thus making Him the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.”
“Yes,” the lawyer said, “but just who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?”
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.
As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are…very slowly?”
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing”
A French couple, an Italian couple, and a Polish couple go out to dinner.
Thhe French husband says to his wife “Pass the honey, honey.”
The Italian man says to his wife “Pass the sugar, sweety.”
The polish guy, not quite understanding the situation, says to his wife “Pass the bacon you fat pig”.
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the shoulders of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, “Just what the hell are you doing?”
“Well,” said the guy, “I”m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can”t help practicing my art!”
“That”s the stupidest thing I”ve ever heard!” the guy replied. “I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?”