Rigged Contest
Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant.
“I’m thinking of a number between one and ten,” he said. “If you guess right, you win free sex.”
“Okay,” agreed one of the guys, “I guess seven.”
“Sorry, I was thinking of eight,” replied the attendant.
The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.
“Two!” said the second guy.
“Sorry, it’s three, said the attendant. “Come back and try again.”
As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, “I think this contest is rigged.”
“No way,” said his buddy. “My wife won twice last week.”
Chauffer
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
“I have and idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.”
Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”
When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
Jerry Seinfeld’s Ponderables…
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Can fat people go skinny dipping?
Why is the word “abbreviation” so long?
What’s another word for thesaurus?
If a book about failure doesn’t sell, is it a success?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Double
Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? He rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a Genie.
“I will grant you three wishes,” said the Genie. “But there’s a catch.”
“What catch?” he asked.
The Genie replied, “Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for.”
“Well, I can live with that! No problem!” replied the elated man.
“What is your first wish?” asked the Genie.
“Well, I’ve always wanted a Ferrari.”
POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.
“NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris,” said the Genie.
“Next wish?”
“I’d LOVE a million dollars…” replied the man.
POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.
“NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO MILLION dollars,” said the Genie.
“Well, that’s okay, as long as I’ve got MY million,” replied the man.
“What is your final wish?”
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, “Well, you know, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney….”
Farmers Date
A farmer had 3 lovely daughters, all who had dates on Friday night. One by one the local boys came by to pick them up.
The first boy arrived and said: “Hi, I’m Eddie, I’m here for Betty, we’re going steady, is she ready?”
The farmer called Betty and she and Eddie went on their way.
The second boy arrived and said: “Hi, I’m Joe, I’m here for Flo, we’re going to the show, is she ready to go?”
The farmer called Flo and she and Joe went on their way.
The third boy arrived in an old beat up pickup, came to the door and said: “Hi, I’m Chuck”
The farmer shot him.
