A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding.
When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.
On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pant legs to keep his trousers dry.
When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting. “Pull down your pants, whispered the pastor.
“Uh, Reverend, I’ve changed my mind,” the groom responded. “I think I would prefer the traditional service.”
A guy went home from work one night and heard a voice. The voice whispered to him: “Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas.” The man was disturbed about what he heard and ignored the voice. The next day when he got home from work, the same thing happened. The voice whispered to him: “Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas.” Again the man ignored the voice, though he was very troubled by the event. Every day, the man was tormented by the same voice when he came home from work: “Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas.” Each time the man heard the voice he became increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbed to the pressure. He quit his job, sold his house, got together all his money and headed to Vegas. The moment the man got off the plane in Vegas, the voice told him, “Go to Harrah’s.”
So he hopped in a cab and rushed over to Harrah’s. As soon as he set foot in the casino, the voice echoed, “Go to the roulette table.” The man did as he was told. When he arrived at the roulette table, the voice firmly told him, “Put all your money on 17.” Nervously, the man cashed in his money for chips and then put them all on 17. The dealer wished the man good luck and spun the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caromed. The man anxiously watched the ball as it slowly lost speed until finally it settled into number . . . 21. The voice said, “Dang it…”
A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very close to nature and even close to God. He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God would listen. So he asked, “God, are you listening?”
And God replied, “Yes my son, I am here.”
The man stopped and pondered some more. He looked towards the sky and said, “God, what is a million years to you?”
God replied, “Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you.”
So the man continued to walk and to ponder… walk and ponder… Then he looked to the sky again and said, “God, what is a million dollars to you?”
And God replied, “My son, my son…a penny to me is like a million dollars to you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little.”
The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and said, “God, can I have a million dollars?”
And God replied, “In a second.”
The 12 marriages
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, “Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin.”
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, ‘It’s gonna be great!’
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn’t get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach.
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn’t quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn’t sure whether it was his job.
My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.
My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, ‘I know I have the product. I’m just not sure how to position it.’
My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was — God I miss him!
So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I’m going to get screwed!
For years, three men were stranded on a desert island. One day, a magic lamp washed on to the beach. They rubbed the lamp, and a genie appeared that granted each man a wish. “I wish I was off this island and back with my familly,” said the first man.He disappeared. “I also wish I was off this island and back home,”said the second man. He too disappeared. The third man,looked around and feeling lonely, looked up to the genie, “I wish my two friends were back to keep me company.”