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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Truck Driver

Johnny asked his Mom if he could go to the local carnival. She said, “Yes.”

At the carnival Johnny won the ring toss and selected a huge bag of M&M’s for his prize. Excited he ran home to show his Mom. After showing her his prize he asked if he could have some M&M’s.

She said,”Yes but, don’t eat too many — it’s almost dinner.” She poured a small amount into his hand.

Johnny tipped his head back and popped the handful into his mouth. He ran over to the house cat, picked it up, bit it, put it down, ran outside, and jumped on his bike racing it around the house a few times. Afterward Johnny went back into the house and asked for some more M&M’s. Puzzled she poured some more into his hand.

Again, Johnny repeated actions a 2nd, 3rd, and 4th time.

Upon the 5th request his Mom asked,”Johnny, what are you doing?”

Johnny replies,”I’m playing truck driver.”

She says,”Truck driver? Can you explain?” Johnny says,”Yes, I’m popping pills, eating pussy, and driving like hell!”

Latest Funny Jokes

3 Wishes for a Cowboy

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.

As one cowboy’s horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

“Hold on there, partner,” said the snake, “don’t shoot- I’m an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don’t shoot me, I’ll give you any three wishes you want.”

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake’s striking range. He said, “OK, first, I’d like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I’d like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I’d like sexual equipment like this here horse I’m riding.”

The rattlesnake said, “All right, when you get back to the bunk house you’ll have all three wishes.”

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted,

“My God, I was riding the mare!”

SMS

She sends him a SMS message:
– My dear, if you sleep send me your dreams, if you laugh send me your smile, if you cry send me your tears. I love you.
He answers:
– I’m on latrine duty. What do you want that I send to you?

Friend from planet Zog!

(From the movie “Bean”):
“You didn’t tell me that you will bring your friend from planet Zog!”
*points at Mr. Bean*
*Mr. Bean looks behind himself*

More Fun With Actors

How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1) One. They hate to share the spotlight.
2) One to change it, and 99 to stand there saying, “I could have done it better.”
3) Just one. He stands there, and the world revolves around him.
4) That depends on what the script says.
5) He just holds it, and the world revolves around him.
6) Doesn’t the stage manager do that?
7) Well, first I have to know the lightbulb’s motivation…
8) How many straight actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Both of them.

The Painter & Her Eyesight

There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor’s office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor’s office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, ”What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?”

”Thank God I’m not a gynecologist.”