Three Drunk Women
Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk.
The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, “I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks”.
To which the second gal replied, “You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don’t even have insurance!”
And the third proclaimed, “I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!”
They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: “Ladies, I don’t think you understand. Chunks is my dog.”
Dating vs Marriage
When you are dating … Farting is never an issue.
When you are married … You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband at all times.
When you are dating … He holds your hand in public.
When you are married … He flicks your ear in public.
When you are dating … A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad.
When you are married … A King size bed feels like an army cot.
When you are dating … You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married … You think to yourself “Was he ALWAYS this hairy??”
When you are dating … He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married … He grabs your boob any chance he gets.
When you are dating … You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married … You wonder who will die first.
When you are dating … Just looking at him makes you feel all”mushy.”
When you are married … When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating … He knows what the “hamper” is.
When you are married … The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.
When you are dating … He understands if you “Aren’t in the mood.”
When you are married … He says “It’s your job.”
When you are dating … He understands that you have “male” friends.
When you are married … He thinks they are all out to steal you away.
When you are dating … He likes to “discuss” things.
When you are married … He develops a “blank” stare.
When you are dating … He calls you by name.
When you are married … He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She”.
These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates. St.Peter told the first husband, “I can’t let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry.” Dejected, he turned and walked away. The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, “Can’t let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny.” The guy hung his head, turned and walked away.
The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, “Come on, Fanny, he’s not going to let us in either.”
It’s your turn
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello?”. “I’m calling to report my neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my lawn mowed.”
Friend from planet Zog!
(From the movie “Bean”):
“You didn’t tell me that you will bring your friend from planet Zog!”
*points at Mr. Bean*
*Mr. Bean looks behind himself*