What’s the matter with you?
A woman went to her doctor’s office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?” The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t it?”
Gangster family
A policemen stops a car.
Driver, “Is anything wrong, officer?”
Policeman, “No, we just wanted to reward you for being the 100.000th car driving on this new highway.”
Driver, “Thank God! I thought you are going to ask me for my driving license, ’cause I don’t have one, you know…”
Driver’s Wife, “Don’t belive him anything he says. He’s completely drunk!”
Grandpa on the back seat, “I knew we won’t come far with this stolen car!”
Sonny from the trunk, “Have we crossed the border, yet?”
Dating vs Marriage
When you are dating … Farting is never an issue.
When you are married … You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband at all times.
When you are dating … He holds your hand in public.
When you are married … He flicks your ear in public.
When you are dating … A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad.
When you are married … A King size bed feels like an army cot.
When you are dating … You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married … You think to yourself “Was he ALWAYS this hairy??”
When you are dating … He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married … He grabs your boob any chance he gets.
When you are dating … You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married … You wonder who will die first.
When you are dating … Just looking at him makes you feel all”mushy.”
When you are married … When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating … He knows what the “hamper” is.
When you are married … The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.
When you are dating … He understands if you “Aren’t in the mood.”
When you are married … He says “It’s your job.”
When you are dating … He understands that you have “male” friends.
When you are married … He thinks they are all out to steal you away.
When you are dating … He likes to “discuss” things.
When you are married … He develops a “blank” stare.
When you are dating … He calls you by name.
When you are married … He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She”.
It’s your turn
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello?”. “I’m calling to report my neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?”
“Yep.”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”
“Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my lawn mowed.”
Chauffer
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
“I have and idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.”
Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”
When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
