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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Two drunks

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night, look at the moon.”

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunken friend, “You are wrong. That’s not the moon, that’s the sun.”

Both started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. “Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?”

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”

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Actual Medical Chart Notes

1. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
7. Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. She is numb from her toes down.
15. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
16. The skin was moist and dry.
17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
20. Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
22. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
23. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.
24. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
25. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
26. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
27. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
28. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
29. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
30. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.
31. Patient was found in bed with her power mower.

Holy Lottery

One day, Moishe went to the doctor and the doctor said that he had 10 days to 2 weeks left to live. Moishe said, ‘Dr. I’ve done good things all my life. All I ever wanted was to win the lottery, just once!’ The doctor said, ‘Sorry Moishe, you’re gonna die.’ So Moishe went to his church and prayed. He said, ‘God, all I ever wanted was to win the lottery. Just once.’ The ceiling opened up and a light shined down upon Moishe and a deep booming voice said, ‘Moishe, try buying a ticket.’

Hold me

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says: ’’I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’’ The husband says, ’’WHAT??’’ The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them.

Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, ’’But you don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let’s get it.’’

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.

She says ’’Okay, I’m ready, let’s go to the cash register.’’ The husband says, ’’No – no – no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.’’

The wife’s face goes blank. ’’No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.’’

SMS

She sends him a SMS message:
– My dear, if you sleep send me your dreams, if you laugh send me your smile, if you cry send me your tears. I love you.
He answers:
– I’m on latrine duty. What do you want that I send to you?

Overworked

For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:

I’m tired because I’m overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes and I am adding jokes to this website!