Shopping More Interesting
Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples’ carts when they aren’t looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of apple juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to a store employee and tell him/her in an official tone,’I think we have a code 3 in housewares,’ and see what happens.
5. Put a box of Smarties on lay-away.
6. Move ‘CAUTION WET FLOOR’ signs to carpetted areas.
7. Set up a tent in the sports section; tell others you’ll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask ‘Why won’t you people leave me alone?’
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the sports section, ask the clerk if the gun comes with anti depressant prescriptions?
11. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from ‘Mission Impossible’.
12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream ‘NO! NO! It’s those voices again’.
15. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud ……’Hey we’re out of toilet paper in here!
Two drunks
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night, look at the moon.”
The other drunk stops and looks at his drunken friend, “You are wrong. That’s not the moon, that’s the sun.”
Both started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. “Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?”
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”
What a difference 30 years can make
1970: Long hair
2000: Longing for hair
1970: The perfect high
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1970: KEG
2000: EKG
1970: Acid rock
2000: Acid reflux
1970: Moving to California because it’s cool
2000: Moving to California because it’s warm
1970: Growing pot
2000: Growing pot belly
1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1970: Seeds and stems
2000: Roughage
1970: Popping pills, smoking joints
2000: Popping joints
1970: Killer weed
2000: Weed killer
1970: Hoping for a BMW
2000: Hoping for a BM
1970: The Grateful Dead
2000: Dr. Kevorkian
1970: Going to a new, hip joint
2000: Receiving a new hip joint
1970: Rolling Stones
2000: Kidney stones
1970: Being called into the principal’s office
2000: Calling the principal’s office
1970: Screw the system
2000: Upgrade the system
1970: Disco
2000: Costco
1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1970: Taking acid
2000: Taking antacid
1970: Passing the drivers test
2000: Passing the vision test
1970: Whatever
2000: Depends
Ring my bell
In a house in New Jersey, the doorbell rings. The Madame (it’s one of those houses) comes to the door and answers it. There is a man with no arms and no legs on the doorstep.
“What do you want?” she asks.
“I want a woman,” he says.
“A woman? You don’t have any arms or legs. What are you going to do with a woman?”
“I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
Grosser than gross.. underwear
What’s grosser than gross?
When you throw your underwear and it sticks to the wall.
What’s grosser than that?
When you come back an hour later and it’s moved up three feet
