Call on an Expert
Little Johnny was playing with his father’s wallet when he accidently swallowed a quarter. He went crying to him mom, choking on the quarter. They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion.
Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy. He turned little Johnny upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the quarter rolled out.
Everyone was amazed, the father said “You must be an expert!”
The man replied, “No sir I’m just a tax collector.”
Friend from planet Zog!
(From the movie “Bean”):
“You didn’t tell me that you will bring your friend from planet Zog!”
*points at Mr. Bean*
*Mr. Bean looks behind himself*
Dating vs Marriage
When you are dating … Farting is never an issue.
When you are married … You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband at all times.
When you are dating … He holds your hand in public.
When you are married … He flicks your ear in public.
When you are dating … A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad.
When you are married … A King size bed feels like an army cot.
When you are dating … You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married … You think to yourself “Was he ALWAYS this hairy??”
When you are dating … He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married … He grabs your boob any chance he gets.
When you are dating … You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married … You wonder who will die first.
When you are dating … Just looking at him makes you feel all”mushy.”
When you are married … When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating … He knows what the “hamper” is.
When you are married … The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.
When you are dating … He understands if you “Aren’t in the mood.”
When you are married … He says “It’s your job.”
When you are dating … He understands that you have “male” friends.
When you are married … He thinks they are all out to steal you away.
When you are dating … He likes to “discuss” things.
When you are married … He develops a “blank” stare.
When you are dating … He calls you by name.
When you are married … He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She”.
Strong Pills
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.
The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night at dinner, she does just that.
About a week later she`s back at the doctor, where she says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn`t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the table!”
The doctor says, “I`m sorry, we didn`t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”
“Nah,” she says, “that`s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”
The Parrot Joke
Q: What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot!
