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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Very large Bic cigarette lighter

Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says “Wow, cool lighter…where did you get it?”

“A genie from a bottle granted me one wish.”

“Great, can I try it?”

“Sure.”

First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. “You are granted one wish says the genie.”

The guy says, “I want a million bucks!”

“Done” says the genie and disappears. A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

“I can’t believe this,” says the guy who had just placed his wish, “I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!”

The second guy then says, “Do you really think I wished for a 12″ Bic?”

Latest Funny Jokes

Quotes On Sex

“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.”
* Tom Clancy

“You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.”
* Steve Martin

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
* Woody Allen

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”
* Rodney Dangerfield

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL.”
* Lynn Lavner

“Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.”
* Matt Barry

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
* Camille Paglia

“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.”
* George Burns

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.”
* Sharon Stone

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what she’s reading.”
* Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it, so I said “Thyroid problem?’”
* Arnold Schwarzenegger

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
* Tiger Woods

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
* Jack Nicholson

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
* Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor!)

“Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
* Robin Williams

“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”
* Roseanne

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
* Billy Crystal

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”
* Robert De Niro

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”
* Dustin Hoffman

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think,’I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.’”
* Jerry Seinfeld

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”
* Rod Stewart

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
* Robin Williams

Business: To Whom

A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. “I think this one will really move said the broker, it’s only $1 a share.”

“Buy me 1000 shares.” said the client.

The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, “You were right, give me 5000 more shares.”

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.

The client ran to the phone and called the broker, “Get me 10,000 more shares said the client.”

“Great!” said the broker.

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.

Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, “Sell all my shares!”

The broker said, “To whom? You were the only one buying that stock.”

If you were my husband…

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, “If you were my husband I would poison your drink.” The man replied, “If you were my wife I would drink it.”

Ring my bell

In a house in New Jersey, the doorbell rings. The Madame (it’s one of those houses) comes to the door and answers it. There is a man with no arms and no legs on the doorstep.
“What do you want?” she asks.

“I want a woman,” he says.

“A woman? You don’t have any arms or legs. What are you going to do with a woman?”

“I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

Cinderella’s Night Out

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won’t let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears,and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
”First, you must wear a diaphragm. But if you’re not home by 2 AM, your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.” Cinderella agrees, but she doesn’t roll in until five in the morning, looking love-struck and very satisfied.

”Where have you been?” demands the fairy godmother. ”Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!”

”I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.”

”I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!”

”I can’t remember, exactly. It was Peter, Peter, something or other…”