Halloween Costume
Sam is very self-conscious about his bald head and his wooden leg, so when he receives an invitation to a Halloween Ball, he wants to wear a costume that will hide or minimize both. He dashes off a note to Brooks Brothers, explaining his need and his concerns, and in a few days receives a package with the following note.
“Dear Sir: Enclosed is a pirate costume. The red handkerchief will cover your bald head, and your wooden leg will look like part of the costume.”
Sam is furious with their ‘solution’, and returns the parcel, saying he is trying to HIDE his peg leg…not call attention to it.
The next week, he receives a second package and a note:
“Dear Sir: We apologize if we appeared insensitive to your concern.
Enclosed is a monk’s habit. The long robe will hide your leg, and your bald head will look to be part of your costume.”
Enraged, Sam returns the costume with a nasty note, saying they are idiots for calling attention to his bald head.
The following day, he receives a small parcel by courier with a note which reads:
“Dear Sir: Enclosed is a jar of caramel. Pour it over your bald head,
stick your peg leg up your ass, and go as a candy apple.”
More Fun With Actors
How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
1) One. They hate to share the spotlight.
2) One to change it, and 99 to stand there saying, “I could have done it better.”
3) Just one. He stands there, and the world revolves around him.
4) That depends on what the script says.
5) He just holds it, and the world revolves around him.
6) Doesn’t the stage manager do that?
7) Well, first I have to know the lightbulb’s motivation…
8) How many straight actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Both of them.
Signs You Have a Hangover
1. You’re convinced that chirping birds are Satan’s pets.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to “stay still.”
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
4. You’d rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, “Step right up and give it whirl!”
8. All day long your motto is, “Never again.”
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to “Good morning,” is “Shut up!”
The Juggler
A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car, asks the police officer. I’m
a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act. Oh yeah? Let’s see you do it, says the officer.
So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches
masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. “Wow,” says the driver to his
wife. “I’m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!”
Double
Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? He rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a Genie.
“I will grant you three wishes,” said the Genie. “But there’s a catch.”
“What catch?” he asked.
The Genie replied, “Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for.”
“Well, I can live with that! No problem!” replied the elated man.
“What is your first wish?” asked the Genie.
“Well, I’ve always wanted a Ferrari.”
POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.
“NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris,” said the Genie.
“Next wish?”
“I’d LOVE a million dollars…” replied the man.
POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.
“NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO MILLION dollars,” said the Genie.
“Well, that’s okay, as long as I’ve got MY million,” replied the man.
“What is your final wish?”
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, “Well, you know, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney….”
