Funny Jokes
Send a Joke

Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

What did the valentine card say to the stamp?

Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?

A: Stick with me and we’ll go places!

Latest Funny Jokes

Nine Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently “widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?”
“Yes, I do. “Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”
Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”
“She just died and left me everything.”

And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?

Viagra for Gramps

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, “Where are you going ?”

He said, “I’m going to the doctor.”

And she said, “Why? Are you sick?”

“No,” he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, “Where are you going?”

She said, “I’m going to the doctor too.”

He said, “Why?”

She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot.”

Signs You Have a Hangover

1. You’re convinced that chirping birds are Satan’s pets.

2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to “stay still.”

3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.

4. You’d rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.

5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.

6. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.

7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, “Step right up and give it whirl!”

8. All day long your motto is, “Never again.”

9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.

10. Your natural response to “Good morning,” is “Shut up!”

Business: To Whom

A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. “I think this one will really move said the broker, it’s only $1 a share.”

“Buy me 1000 shares.” said the client.

The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, “You were right, give me 5000 more shares.”

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.

The client ran to the phone and called the broker, “Get me 10,000 more shares said the client.”

“Great!” said the broker.

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.

Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, “Sell all my shares!”

The broker said, “To whom? You were the only one buying that stock.”

Doctor’s Orders

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?”

“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.