Funny Jokes
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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day?

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day?

A: Forget-me-nuts.

Latest Funny Jokes

Tiny Headed Man

A guy with a very small head was sitting at a bar, drinking, when the bartender asked him why his head was so small. The man sighed.
“I was walking along the beach one day and happened upon a lamp. A beautiful genie came out of the lamp and said that she would grant me 3 wishes. First, I wished for all the money in the world. Then I wished for the biggest mansion in all the world.”
“Yeah?”

“And then I wished for a little head.”

Nagging wife vs. drunk driver

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, “Where have you been?”

“I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.”

“I did alright,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom.

“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

Halloween Costume

Sam is very self-conscious about his bald head and his wooden leg, so when he receives an invitation to a Halloween Ball, he wants to wear a costume that will hide or minimize both. He dashes off a note to Brooks Brothers, explaining his need and his concerns, and in a few days receives a package with the following note.

“Dear Sir: Enclosed is a pirate costume. The red handkerchief will cover your bald head, and your wooden leg will look like part of the costume.”

Sam is furious with their ‘solution’, and returns the parcel, saying he is trying to HIDE his peg leg…not call attention to it.

The next week, he receives a second package and a note:

“Dear Sir: We apologize if we appeared insensitive to your concern. 
Enclosed is a monk’s habit. The long robe will hide your leg, and your bald head will look to be part of your costume.”

Enraged, Sam returns the costume with a nasty note, saying they are idiots for calling attention to his bald head.

The following day, he receives a small parcel by courier with a note which reads:

“Dear Sir: Enclosed is a jar of caramel. Pour it over your bald head, 
stick your peg leg up your ass, and go as a candy apple.”

Made In Canada

A Canadian was in France, out of his wallet he removed a stick of gum he had from the airport in Canada, and started to chew it. He walked into a French coffee shop and sat himself beside an English speaking French man.
Frenchman: In Canada, what do you do with your used tires?

Canadian: We send em to France to get turned into paper plates.

French man: What do you do with your used plastic bags?

Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) We send em to France to get turned into a gold ring. Hey, what do you do with your used comdoms?

French man: we send em to Canada to get turned into bubble gum.