Funny Jokes
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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

A: Claustrophobic.

Latest Funny Jokes

Emoticons

We all know those cute little computer symbols called “emoticons,” where 🙂 means a smile and 🙁 is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by 🙂 and 🙁 respectively. Well, how about some “ass-cons”? Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_._) a flat ass

(_^_) a bubble ass

(_*_) a sore ass

(_!__) a lop-sided ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that’s been around

(_O_) an ass that’s been around even more

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^o_) a wise ass

(_13_) an unlucky ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

Q: What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A: A cloud.

Stop sign

A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.
“Hey, lady, did you forget how to stop?” yelled an irate man.
She rolled down her window and said, “What makes you
think these kids are all mine?”

Billing

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

This Place Stinks

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”

“It’s pretty nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let me fart.”