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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

A: Claustrophobic.

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The Juggler

A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car, asks the police officer. I’m
a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act. Oh yeah? Let’s see you do it, says the officer.

So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches
masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. “Wow,” says the driver to his
wife. “I’m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!”

The Engineer’s Love Life

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said, “I enjoyed time with my wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.”

The artist said, “I enjoyed time with my mistress, because of the passion and mystery I found there.”

The engineer said, “I like both.”

“Both?” they questioned.

The Engineer said, “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”

Black Eyes

A guy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him and is very concerned.
“What happened, my child?”

“I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me had a wedgie. So I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye.”

“Okay. But how did you get the other black eye?”

“Well, I thought I’d done something wrong. So I put her wedgie back.”

Emoticons

We all know those cute little computer symbols called “emoticons,” where 🙂 means a smile and 🙁 is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by 🙂 and 🙁 respectively. Well, how about some “ass-cons”? Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_._) a flat ass

(_^_) a bubble ass

(_*_) a sore ass

(_!__) a lop-sided ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that’s been around

(_O_) an ass that’s been around even more

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^o_) a wise ass

(_13_) an unlucky ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

Donations To The United Way

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer, so a volunteer was sent to solicit his donation.

“Sir, you have a successful law practice. You must be worth millions. Surely you could give back a little to your community through The United Way.”

The lawyer said, “First, are you aware that my mother is dying from a long, painful illness? And that she has medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Uh, no.”

“Second, did you know my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair, and unable to support his wife and six children?”

The stricken United Way rep mumbled another, “Uh, no.”

“Third, do you realize that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful traffic accident leaving her penniless, with a huge mortgage and three young children?”

The United Way rep was humiliated. “No, sir. I had no idea.”

The lawyer concluded, “Well, then. If I don’t give any money to them, why do you think I’d give any to you?!”