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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

A: Claustrophobic.

Latest Funny Jokes

Honey i’m late

A woman sends her husband out to buy some escargot for a dinner party that night. Instead of going straight to the store, the husband decides to stop at a local bar. He has a few beers, and then some
more, and pretty soon he looks at his watch and finds he’s over an hour late for the dinner party. He dashes to the store, picks up the escargot, and frantically drives home. When he walks in the door
he can hear his wife coming from the kitchen. So he takes the bag of snails and quickly throws them all over the floor. When his wife walks into the room, he says, “Come on guys, we’re almost there!”

Our Four Sons

Four guys went golfing; one went in the clubhouse to pay while the others waited at the first tee. One of the guys says, “I’m so proud of my son. He is a stock broker and he’s made enought that he just gave away a huge portfolio.” The next guy said, “I’m so proud of my son. He’s a car dealer and he’s doing so well, he just gave away a Ferrari.” The third guy says, “I’m so proud of my son. He’s got enough money that he just gave away a million-dollar home.”
Just as the third guy fininshes talking, the fourth guy joins them and asks, “What are you guys talking about?’
“Just about how good our sons are doing,” the three men replied. “Well, my son is doing very well,” says the fourth man, “He’s a male stripper and just last week he got a huge portfolio, a Ferrari and a million-dollar home.”

Grosser than gross.. underwear

What’s grosser than gross?
When you throw your underwear and it sticks to the wall.

What’s grosser than that?
When you come back an hour later and it’s moved up three feet

Toilet Paper

A little old lady went to a grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter. The girl at the cash register said “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.” The little old lady went home, picked up the cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day she tries to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demands proof that she has a dog, because sometime old people eat dog food. She went home and brought in the dog. She then got the dog food. The next day she brought in a small box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.” The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, “That smells like poop.” The little old lady said, “It is! Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?”

Shingles

A man walked into a Doctor’s office. “What do you have?” the receptionist asked.

“Shingles,”he replied.

She told him to sit down. Soon a nurse called him and asked, “What do you have?”

“Shingles,” he replied.

She took his blood pressure, weight, and complete medical history. Then she took him to a room and told him to remove all of his clothes. After a few minutes the Doctor came in and asked,”What do you have?”

“Shingles,” the man told him.

The Doctor looked him up and down and said,”Where?”

“Out on the truck. Where do you want me to unload them?