Tickets
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.
“This guy must have screwed up the settings,” the off-duty officer thought.
A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!
Strong Pills
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.
The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night at dinner, she does just that.
About a week later she`s back at the doctor, where she says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn`t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the table!”
The doctor says, “I`m sorry, we didn`t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”
“Nah,” she says, “that`s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”
Touchy Feely Cracky
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the shoulders of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, “Just what the hell are you doing?”
“Well,” said the guy, “I”m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can”t help practicing my art!”
“That”s the stupidest thing I”ve ever heard!” the guy replied. “I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?”
Fairy tales
“Mommy,” Little Johnny asked, “do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time’?”
“No, dear,” she replied. “Sometimes they start with ‘Darling, I’ll be working late at the office tonight…’ “
Ring my bell
In a house in New Jersey, the doorbell rings. The Madame (it’s one of those houses) comes to the door and answers it. There is a man with no arms and no legs on the doorstep.
“What do you want?” she asks.
“I want a woman,” he says.
“A woman? You don’t have any arms or legs. What are you going to do with a woman?”
“I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
