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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Why I Am So Tired

For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. Now I found out the real reason. I’m tired because I’m overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.

Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

This leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me . . . and you’re sitting there reading jokes.

Latest Funny Jokes

10 reasons why latinos can’t be terrorist

10. 8:45am is too early for us to be up. 
9. We are always late, we would have missed all 4 flights. 
8. Pretty people on the plane distract us. 
7. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves. 
6. Food and drinks were on the plane. 
5. We talk with our hands, we would have put our weapons down. 
4. We would all want to fly the plane. 
3. We would argue and start a fight in the plane. 
2. We would have told everyone a week before doing it. 
1. We would have put our countries flag on the windshield. 

Cow Disease

Q: Why can’t men get mad cow disease?

A: Because they’re pigs.

Toilet Paper

A little old lady went to a grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter. The girl at the cash register said “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.” The little old lady went home, picked up the cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day she tries to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demands proof that she has a dog, because sometime old people eat dog food. She went home and brought in the dog. She then got the dog food. The next day she brought in a small box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.” The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, “That smells like poop.” The little old lady said, “It is! Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?”

The Perfect Husband

Several men are sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising, when suddenly a cell phone sitting on the bench rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

“Hello?”

“Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

“Yes.”

“Great! I’m at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?”

“What’s the price?”

“Only $1,500.00.”

“Okay, but for that price I want it with all the extras.”

“Great! But before we hang up, there’s something else…”

“Yes?”

“It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and…I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we looked at last year is on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, an acre of park area, beachfront property…”

“How much are they asking?”

“Only $450,000…a magnificent price…and I see that we have that much in the bank…”

“Well, then, go ahead and buy it, but only bid $420,000. Okay?”

“Okay, sweetie…Thanks! I’ll see you later! I love you!”

“Bye…” The man hangs up, closes the phone flap, and yells, “Hey, does anybody know whose phone this is?”

NASCAR Samaritans

There were three NASCAR fans on their way to a race, when they see an accident on the side of the road so they pull over! They go to help the victim, but they realize she is naked, so they take off their hats. The first guy was a Earnhardt fan, and put his hat over her left breast. The second guy was a Elliot fan, and put it over her right breast!! The last guy was a Gordon fan, and put his hat over her crotch.

When the police arrived, the officer looks at the girl and goes to evaluate. He first picks up the Earnhardt hat, puts it back down and writes something down. He does the same with the Elliot hat. Then he picks up the Gordon hat and puts it down then picks it up again. He does this several times until the Gordon fan says, “What are you? Some kind of pervert?”

The officer replies, “No, I just usually find an asshole under one of these hats.”