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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Yo Mamma Like

YO MOMMA LIKE…

potato chips–Fri-to Lay.

a screen door, after a couple bangs, she tends to loosen up.

the pillsbury doughboy – everyone gets a poke.

a doorknob, everybody gets a turn.

a bus, 50 cents and she ready to ride.

a golf course, everyone gets a hole in one.

the railway system, she gets laid all over the country.

a tomato sauce bottle, everyone get a squeeze outta her.

a shotgun, one cock and she blows.

a hardware store, 4 cents a screw.

a Dimino’s pizza, somethin’ for nothin’.

a refrigerador, everyone likes to put their meat in her.

cake mix, 15 servings per package.

a rifle, four cocks and she’s full.

a bowoling ball, she picked up, fingered, then thrown in the gutter.

a bus, guys climb on and off her all day.

a Toyota, “Oh, what a feelin’!”

Orange Crush crush, “Good vibrations.”

a bubble-gum machine, 25 cents a blow.

chinese food, sweet sour, and cheap.

a vacuum cleaner, a real good suck.

Latest

Yo Mamma So Dumb

YO MOMMA’S SO DUMB…

she thought an “E” on your report card meant excellent and an “F” meant fantastic! 

she thinks 2+2=22

she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

she thought a quarterback was a refund.

she tried to M&M;’s in alphabetical order.

she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.

she thought General Motors was in the army.

she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

under “education” on her jop application, she put “Hooked On Phonics.”

she tried to drown a fish.

she tripped over a cordless phone.

she spent 20 minutes looking at an orange juice container because it said “Concentrate.”

she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

she told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and “DON’T WALK.”

she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

they had to burn the school down to get her outta 3rd grade.

at the bottom of the applicatione where it says “sign here”, she wrote “Sagittarius.”

she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

it takes her two hours to watch “60 minutes.”

if she spoke her mind, she’d be speechless.

she studied for a blood test – and failed.

she thought she needed proper change to get on the “Soul Train.”

she sold her car for gas money.

when she saw the “NC-17, under 17 not admitted”, she went home and got 16 friends.

when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.

when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

I said it was chilly outside and she went to get a bowl.

she crashed (her car) into a parked car.

she told everyone she was “illegitiment” because she couldn’t read.

she puts lipstick on her head to make up her mind.

she bought a solor-powered flashlight.

she took a cup when she went to see Juice.

she asked me wha number for 911 was.

she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

when she read on her job application “DO NOT WRITE BELOW THE DOTTED LINE,” she wrote, “O.K.”

she stole free bread.

she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.

she called Dan Quayle for a spell check (?)

she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

she makes Beavis and Butthead look like Nobel Prize winners.

when asked on an application, “Sex?” she marked, “M, F, and sometimes wednesday, too.”

when you stand next to her, you can hear the ocean.

she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hambuger at McDonald’s.

she sits on the TV and watches the couch.

she bought a videocamera to record cable TV shows at home.

she jumped out of a window and went up.

she took an umbrella to see “Purple Rain”

she watches “The Three Stooges” and takes notes.

Hunters in Kerry

A couple of hunters in Kerry are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls 999. He gasps to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he’s dead.”

….There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy’s voice comes back on the line and says, “OK, now what?”

The Rules

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: 

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want – and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner  to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it.  Those are my rules. 

Any comments?” 

His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night – whether you’re here or not.”

10 Minutes Late

So, there are three golfers, (Bob, Max and Ted) who are looking for a fourth.

Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday.

“Sure, I’d love to play,” says George, “but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me.”

So Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00 and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed and beats them all.

Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he’d like to play again the following Saturday.

“Yeah, sounds great,” says George. “But I maybe about ten minutes late, so wait for me.”

The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time, but this time George plays left-handed and beats them all. As they’re getting ready to leave, George says, “See you next Saturday, but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me.”

Every week, George is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same message.

After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says, “Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but you’re right on time. You beat us either left-handed or right-handed. What’s the story?”

“Well,” George says, “I’m kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look at my wife. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed, and if she’s sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed.”

“So what do you do if she’s sleeping on her back?” Bob asks.

“Well… That’s when I’m about ten minutes late.”

Four Dads Playing Golf

Four dads were having a game of golf with their sons. While the sons were ahead on the next hole, the dads started to talk about how well their sons were doing.

The first dad said, “My son is doing great in the garage building business. He’s doing so well that he gave a friend a new garage!”

The second dad said, “That’s nothing. My son has his own car business. And he’s done so well that he gave a new car to one of his friends.”

The third dad said, “My son has topped both of yours. My son has self-owned housing business. He has done so well in the past year that he had enough to give a house to a friend.”

The fourth dad didn’t say anything. One of the other three asked him, How is your son doing?” The fourth dad said, “Well, I still don’t like how my son is gay and has no work. But he is doing quite well. He’s received a new house, a new garage, and a new car.”