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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Yo Mamma So Nasty

YO MOMMA’S SO NASTY…

she hasta put ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh. 

she brings crabs TO the beach.

she pours salt water in her pants to keep her crabs fresh.

she made Speed Stick slow down.

she made the right guard turn left.

the fishery pay here to leave.

her shit is glad to escape.

Ozzie Ozboure refused to bite her head off.

my brother called her for phone sex and she gave him an ear infection.

Zadnji dodani

Mr. Jones

Mr. Jones comes to Singapore to buy some cheap computers, TV sets etc.
He goes to Mr. Cheng’s shop. He enters …
Shop Assistant (SA): Can I help you
MrJ: I’d like to know the price for AT Computers.
SA: All computers 1 US$
MrJ: What ? 1 US$ a computer. I’ll take 10 pcs.
SA: Oh, you’ll take 10 pcs. That’s 1 US$.
MrJ: No you’ve made a mistake. That’s 10 US$.
SA: No, no mistake. 1 US$.
MrJ: Ok. And what’s the price for TV’s
SA: 1 US$
MrJ: I’ll take 20.
SA: Anything else ?
MrJ: Yes, and 100 HiFi Stereos please. That would be all.
SA: Oh, how nice. You pay me one dollar, please.
Mr. Jones pays him the buck and leaves. On the door he turns around and
asks:
MrJ: By the way, are you Mr. Cheng ?
SA: No, Mr. Cheng is upstairs, fucking my wife and I’m fucking his business now…

Flies Have Wings, Why?

Do you know why flies have wings?
So they can beat the hicks to the watermelon.

Meals on Wheels

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, ‘You’ve been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.’

The cats says, ‘Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.’ God says, ‘Say no more.’ And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, ‘All our lives we’ve had to run. We’ve been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.’ God says, ‘Say no more.’ And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

‘How are you doing? Are you happy here?’

The cat yawns and stretches and says, “Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best!”

The Boss

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, “How much is the yellow one?”
The assistant says, “$2000.” The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it’s so expensive.

The assistant explains, “This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.”

“What about the green one?” the man asks.

The assistant says, “He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.”

“What about the red one?” the man asks.

The assistant says, “That one’s $10,000.”

The man says, “What does HE do?”

The assistant says, “I don’t know, but the other two call him boss.”

Musical Movie Stars

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room.

“Who do you want to play?” Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.

“I’ve always been a big fan of Chopin,” said Bruce. “I’ll play him.”

“And you, Sylvester?” asked Spielberg.

“Mozart’s the one for me!” said Sly.

“And what about you?” Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.

“I’ll be Bach,” said Arnie.