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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Yo Mamma So Nasty

YO MOMMA’S SO NASTY…

she hasta put ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh. 

she brings crabs TO the beach.

she pours salt water in her pants to keep her crabs fresh.

she made Speed Stick slow down.

she made the right guard turn left.

the fishery pay here to leave.

her shit is glad to escape.

Ozzie Ozboure refused to bite her head off.

my brother called her for phone sex and she gave him an ear infection.

Latest

The well behaved son

Lady 1: My son is very well behaved.
Lady 2: How can you say that? Wasn’t he arrested and imprisoned for 5 years.
Lady 1: Yes, but he got out after 2 years for good behavior inside the jail.

Miracles

MIRACLES

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest. The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

Bald man at Christmas

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
Thanks, I’ll never part with it!

Resolutions for internet junkies

*I will try to figure out why I “really” need 12 e-mail addresses.
*I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband). A phone call every now and then would be appreciated
*I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.
*I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
*I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
*I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily…well, once a week…okay, monthly then…or maybe… at least once a year
*I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet – This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.
*I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning… 4:30 is much more practical since my friends overseas already had time to answer me by then.
*When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL… LOL!”
*I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
*I will think of a password other than “password.”
*I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh… I resolve to, uh, get my, er… I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

Bill Gates, Super Ego

One day, Saint Peter called up to Heaven Bill Clinton, Colin Powell, and Bill Gates. He said to them, “I’ve called you here because you are the 3 most influential spokespersons in the world. Go back to Earth and tell everyone there is a God, but he’s blowing up the world tomorrow.”
So, Bill Clinton went back and said, “Fellow Americans, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there is a God, and the bad news is he’s blowing up the world tomorrow.”

Colin Powell went back and said, “I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is there is a God and the good news is he’s blowing up the world tomorrow.”

Then, Bill Gates went down, gathered up all his computer buddies on the Internet and said, ” I have some good news. The first part of the good news is I’ve been voted one of the 3 most influential spokespersons in the world. The other good news is the Y2K problem is solved.”