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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Your Mamas Teeth

Your mama’s teeth are so yellow that when she smiled at a bunch of Formula 1 race car drivers, they all thought it was a caution sign and pulled over.

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Months of the year

Teacher: What is the first month?
Student: January
Teacher: What is the second month?
Student: February
Teacher: What is the tenth month?
Student: Delivery

True friends and best friends

What is the difference between a true
friend and a best friend?

True friend is the person who helps
you up when you fall…. a best friend
is the person peeing in their pants on the
floor because they are the ones who tripped
you!!!

Little Johnny in Love

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, 
“Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?” 

“I’m in love,” the boy replied. 

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, “With whom?” 

“With YOU!” he said. 

“But Johnny,” she said gently, “don’t you see how silly that is? 
It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child.” 

“Oh, don’t worry,” the boy said reassuringly, “I’ll use a rubber!”

Coke Machine

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

“Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?”

She looked at him and indignantly replied: “Well Duhhh!, I’m still winning.”

Success

At age 4, success is………………not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is………………having friends.
At age 20, success is………………having sex.
At age 35, success is………………making money.
At age 70, success is………………having sex.
At age 80, success is………………having friends.
At age 90, success is………………not peeing your pants.