Anyjokes - Funny Jokes

Stop sign

A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.
“Hey, lady, did you forget how to stop?” yelled an irate man.
She rolled down her window and said, “What makes you
think these kids are all mine?”

Long talk

One teen-age boy to another: “My Dad had a long talk with me about girls last night. He doesn’t know anything about them, either.”

Cow Bells

Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns don’t work.

Yo Mama So Fat

Yo mama’s so big, fat, and clumsy when she tried to get to Wal-Mart she stumbled over K-Mart and landed right on Target.

Airline Food

I was on a flight to Hong Kong once. The flight would be seven hours long, so I decided to get some shuteye. I was soon awakened by the stewardess, who asked me if I would like some dinner. I said, “What are my choices?”

And she said, “Yes or no.”

Honey i'm late

A woman sends her husband out to buy some escargot for a dinner party that night. Instead of going straight to the store, the husband decides to stop at a local bar. He has a few beers, and then some
more, and pretty soon he looks at his watch and finds he’s over an hour late for the dinner party. He dashes to the store, picks up the escargot, and frantically drives home. When he walks in the door
he can hear his wife coming from the kitchen. So he takes the bag of snails and quickly throws them all over the floor. When his wife walks into the room, he says, “Come on guys, we’re almost there!”

Barbie

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00.”

The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?

“That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture… “

Starring Insult

If someone ever says, “What are you staring at?”

Say “I don’t know, give me a minute.”

Turn On Your Energizer Bunny

What happens when you put the batteries in BACKWARDS in the Energizer Bunny?

He keeps coming and coming and coming…