One day Jesus and Moses were on the golf course and decide to have a contest over who can make the most outstanding shot.
So, Moses goes first. He settles up for the shot and hammers it straight for the green. Unfortunately, the ball falls into a water hazard. Undaunted, Moses raises his arms to the sky, and the water parts where the ball dropped in. The ball rolls out of the water and onto dry land, only a foot away from the hole.
Jesus looks at Moses and says, “Hey, Moses, that was a pretty good shot. Now let me see what I can do.”
So Jesus settles up for his shot and sends the ball screaming toward the green. Unfortunately, Jesus has the same luck as Moses did. The ball heads straight for the water hazard. Jesus holds out one hand and, instead of dropping into the water, the ball bounces on top of it and rolls onto dry land only three inches from the hole.
Moses says, “Wow, that was an incredible shot!”
No sooner has Moses said this, than the skies grow dark. The wind starts to pick up, lightning and thunder crackle through the sky. Suddenly, a ball falls from the heavens into the same water hazard where Jesus and Moses hit theirs. A fish swims up and swallows the ball. An eagle swoops down, grabs the fish in his talons, and heads for the now darkened sky. Lightning strikes the eagle, and he drops the fish onto the green. The fish opens his mouth, the ball rolls out, and drops into the hole.
Moses turns to Jesus and says, “Man! I hate it when your dad plays!”
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play – normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request (Course time is Four to Five Hours).
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won’t be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, “Are you really going to let him get away with this?”
“No, I guess not, ” says God.
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn’t bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, ” Why did you let him do that?”
To this God says, “Who’s he going to tell?”
Q. How is golf like taxes?
A. Well, you drive hard to get to the green, and then you wind up in the hole.
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”
The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”
“Forget it, man, ” said his partner, “you don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here!”