A golfer became so mad that he threw his brand new set of golf clubs into the lake.
A few minutes later he came back, waded into the lake and retrieved his clubs.
He proceeded to take his car keys out of the bag — then threw the clubs back into the water.
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!”
“Well, what should I do?” asks the man.
“Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breast.”
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.”
“What can I do?” asks the wife. “Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s penis.” The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft.
“That was great,” the pro says with a straight face. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you’re supposed to!”
It’s Saturday morning and Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy, ” says Bob. “Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.” After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey!”
“Yes, I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!”
“Okay, then. Here’s what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car’s just pulled up outside the house.”
“Okay, Daddy!” A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. “Well, I did what you said, Daddy.”
“And what happened?”
“Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she’s all dead.”
“Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?”
“He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he’s dead too.”
There is a long pause.
“Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?”
Four dads were having a game of golf with their sons. While the sons were ahead on the next hole, the dads started to talk about how well their sons were doing.
The first dad said, “My son is doing great in the garage building business. He’s doing so well that he gave a friend a new garage!”
The second dad said, “That’s nothing. My son has his own car business. And he’s done so well that he gave a new car to one of his friends.”
The third dad said, “My son has topped both of yours. My son has self-owned housing business. He has done so well in the past year that he had enough to give a house to a friend.”
The fourth dad didn’t say anything. One of the other three asked him, How is your son doing?” The fourth dad said, “Well, I still don’t like how my son is gay and has no work. But he is doing quite well. He’s received a new house, a new garage, and a new car.”
What’s the difference between a Ford and a golf ball?
You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.