It’s Saturday morning and Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy, ” says Bob. “Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.” After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey!”
“Yes, I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!”
“Okay, then. Here’s what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car’s just pulled up outside the house.”
“Okay, Daddy!” A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. “Well, I did what you said, Daddy.”
“And what happened?”
“Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she’s all dead.”
“Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?”
“He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he’s dead too.”
There is a long pause.
“Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?”
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
“Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.
“Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup, ” the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
“Oh great! NOW you tell me.” said the beginner.
A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, “I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?”
The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, “No, you CANNOT play through.” He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, “I can’t believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!”
The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole.
Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold.
When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.
Four Dads Playing Golf
Four dads were having a game of golf with their sons. While the sons were ahead on the next hole, the dads started to talk about how well their sons were doing.
The first dad said, “My son is doing great in the garage building business. He’s doing so well that he gave a friend a new garage!”
The second dad said, “That’s nothing. My son has his own car business. And he’s done so well that he gave a new car to one of his friends.”
The third dad said, “My son has topped both of yours. My son has self-owned housing business. He has done so well in the past year that he had enough to give a house to a friend.”
The fourth dad didn’t say anything. One of the other three asked him, How is your son doing?” The fourth dad said, “Well, I still don’t like how my son is gay and has no work. But he is doing quite well. He’s received a new house, a new garage, and a new car.”
A woman golfer suffers a nasty bee sting and leaves the course to go see her doctor about it.
“What happened?” asked the doctor.
“I got stung between the first and second hole,” replied the lady golfer.
The doctor replied, “You must have an awfully wide stance!”