A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”
The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”
“Forget it, man, ” said his partner, “you don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here!”
A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, “I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?”
The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, “No, you CANNOT play through.” He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, “I can’t believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!”
The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole.
Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold.
When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.
Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, POOF!, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, “I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life….. as a matter of fact, you won’t have any butter for anything the rest of your life!” THEN POOF!….she was gone.
After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. “Fred, where are you?”
Fred yells back, “I’m over here, in the Pussywillows.”
Harry yells back……”DON’T SWING FRED!!!” “For God sake, DON’T SWING!!”
10 Minutes Late
So, there are three golfers, (Bob, Max and Ted) who are looking for a fourth.
Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday.
“Sure, I’d love to play,” says George, “but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me.”
So Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00 and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed and beats them all.
Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he’d like to play again the following Saturday.
“Yeah, sounds great,” says George. “But I maybe about ten minutes late, so wait for me.”
The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time, but this time George plays left-handed and beats them all. As they’re getting ready to leave, George says, “See you next Saturday, but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me.”
Every week, George is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same message.
After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says, “Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but you’re right on time. You beat us either left-handed or right-handed. What’s the story?”
“Well,” George says, “I’m kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look at my wife. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed, and if she’s sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed.”
“So what do you do if she’s sleeping on her back?” Bob asks.
“Well… That’s when I’m about ten minutes late.”
Golf Caddy Quotes
Golfer: “I’ve played so poorly all day; I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.”
Caddy: “I doubt you could keep your head down that long.”
Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.”
Golfer: “Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: “I didn’t realize you had played before, sir.”
Golfer: “Caddy, do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to.”
Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It’s distracting!”
Caddy: “This isn’t a watch, sir, its a compass!”
Golfer: “Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?”
Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin any day of the week!”
Golfer: “This golf is a funny game.”
Caddy: “It’s not supposed to be.”
Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old.”
Caddy: “It’s a long time since we started, sir.”
Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?”
Golfer (screaming): “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world!”
Caddy: “I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence!”