There was an old man named Bill and one of the things he most enjoyed was playing golf with his old buddy Fred. His wife always commented on how happy he looked after a game. But one day he came home from their weekly game looking unhappy and very tired. His wife asked, “What’s the matter Bill? You always seem so happy after golf and you look miserable.”
Bill said, “Well, something terrible did happen. Fred had a heart attack on the first hole.”
“My God, honey!” said the wife, rushing to comfort him, “that must’ve been terrible!”
“It was, ” he said, “all day long it was: hit the ball, drag Fred to the ball and then hit it again…”
Four Dads Playing Golf
Four dads were having a game of golf with their sons. While the sons were ahead on the next hole, the dads started to talk about how well their sons were doing.
The first dad said, “My son is doing great in the garage building business. He’s doing so well that he gave a friend a new garage!”
The second dad said, “That’s nothing. My son has his own car business. And he’s done so well that he gave a new car to one of his friends.”
The third dad said, “My son has topped both of yours. My son has self-owned housing business. He has done so well in the past year that he had enough to give a house to a friend.”
The fourth dad didn’t say anything. One of the other three asked him, How is your son doing?” The fourth dad said, “Well, I still don’t like how my son is gay and has no work. But he is doing quite well. He’s received a new house, a new garage, and a new car.”
Golfing with GOD
One day Jesus and Moses were on the golf course and decide to have a contest over who can make the most outstanding shot.
So, Moses goes first. He settles up for the shot and hammers it straight for the green. Unfortunately, the ball falls into a water hazard. Undaunted, Moses raises his arms to the sky, and the water parts where the ball dropped in. The ball rolls out of the water and onto dry land, only a foot away from the hole.
Jesus looks at Moses and says, “Hey, Moses, that was a pretty good shot. Now let me see what I can do.”
So Jesus settles up for his shot and sends the ball screaming toward the green. Unfortunately, Jesus has the same luck as Moses did. The ball heads straight for the water hazard. Jesus holds out one hand and, instead of dropping into the water, the ball bounces on top of it and rolls onto dry land only three inches from the hole.
Moses says, “Wow, that was an incredible shot!”
No sooner has Moses said this, than the skies grow dark. The wind starts to pick up, lightning and thunder crackle through the sky. Suddenly, a ball falls from the heavens into the same water hazard where Jesus and Moses hit theirs. A fish swims up and swallows the ball. An eagle swoops down, grabs the fish in his talons, and heads for the now darkened sky. Lightning strikes the eagle, and he drops the fish onto the green. The fish opens his mouth, the ball rolls out, and drops into the hole.
Moses turns to Jesus and says, “Man! I hate it when your dad plays!”
10 Minutes Late
So, there are three golfers, (Bob, Max and Ted) who are looking for a fourth.
Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday.
“Sure, I’d love to play,” says George, “but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me.”
So Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00 and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed and beats them all.
Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he’d like to play again the following Saturday.
“Yeah, sounds great,” says George. “But I maybe about ten minutes late, so wait for me.”
The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time, but this time George plays left-handed and beats them all. As they’re getting ready to leave, George says, “See you next Saturday, but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me.”
Every week, George is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same message.
After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says, “Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but you’re right on time. You beat us either left-handed or right-handed. What’s the story?”
“Well,” George says, “I’m kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look at my wife. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed, and if she’s sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed.”
“So what do you do if she’s sleeping on her back?” Bob asks.
“Well… That’s when I’m about ten minutes late.”
Golf and Taxes
Q. How is golf like taxes?
A. Well, you drive hard to get to the green, and then you wind up in the hole.