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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Golf Injury

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me!”, she told him earnestly.

“Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be alright…I’ll be fine in a few minutes”, he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away an laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him: “How does that feel?”

To which he replied: “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”

Latest Golf Jokes

Four Dads Playing Golf

Four dads were having a game of golf with their sons. While the sons were ahead on the next hole, the dads started to talk about how well their sons were doing.

The first dad said, “My son is doing great in the garage building business. He’s doing so well that he gave a friend a new garage!”

The second dad said, “That’s nothing. My son has his own car business. And he’s done so well that he gave a new car to one of his friends.”

The third dad said, “My son has topped both of yours. My son has self-owned housing business. He has done so well in the past year that he had enough to give a house to a friend.”

The fourth dad didn’t say anything. One of the other three asked him, How is your son doing?” The fourth dad said, “Well, I still don’t like how my son is gay and has no work. But he is doing quite well. He’s received a new house, a new garage, and a new car.”

Golf Caddy Quotes

Golfer: “I’ve played so poorly all day; I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.”
Caddy: “I doubt you could keep your head down that long.”

Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.”

Golfer: “Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: “I didn’t realize you had played before, sir.”

Golfer: “Caddy, do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to.”

Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It’s distracting!”
Caddy: “This isn’t a watch, sir, its a compass!”

Golfer: “Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?”
Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin any day of the week!”

Golfer: “This golf is a funny game.”
Caddy: “It’s not supposed to be.”

Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old.”
Caddy: “It’s a long time since we started, sir.”

Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?”
Caddy: “Eventually.”

Golfer (screaming): “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world!”
Caddy: “I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence!”

Forgot Something

A golfer became so mad that he threw his brand new set of golf clubs into the lake.

A few minutes later he came back, waded into the lake and retrieved his clubs.

He proceeded to take his car keys out of the bag — then threw the clubs back into the water.

Handicap Golf

A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, “I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?”

The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, “No, you CANNOT play through.” He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, “I can’t believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!”

The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.

Tee Shot

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it, man, ” said his partner, “you don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here!”