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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

Frostbite…

Latest Halloween Jokes

Twick or Treat

On Halloween, this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an witch, and was just delightful.

The woman said, “What are you supposed to say sweetheart?”

The little girl looks up at the woman and says… “Twick or Tweat!”

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door.

The woman say to the child, “Go ahead honey say it just one more time.”

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, “Twick or Tweat!”

The husband agrees with his wife, this little witch is just the cutest thing.

The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl’s Treat Bag.

The little witch looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says…

“Thanks lady, you just boke my $@*!#^% cookies!”

The Thirteen Days of Halloween

On the first day of Halloween
My postman brought to me,
A Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the second day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the third day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the fourth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the fifth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the sixth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the seventh day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the eighth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Eight freaky franks,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the ninth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Nine reapers reaping,
Eight freaky franks,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the tenth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Ten skulls a-smoking,
Nine reapers reaping,
Eight freaky franks,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the eleventh day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Eleven coffins creaking,
Ten skulls a-smoking,
Nine reapers reaping,
Eight freaky franks,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the twelfth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Twelve skeletons a-dancing,
Eleven coffins creaking,
Ten skulls a-smoking,
Nine reapers reaping,
Eight freaky franks,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the thirteenth day of Halloween,
I fucking moved!

Halloween

Yo mama so ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say “Damn, is it Halloween already?”

Some Halloween Quickies

Why did the ghost cry?
Because he had a BOO BOO.
——-
What lives on the beach, rides a broom and casts spells?
A Sandwitch.
——-
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because airplanes are too big to sit on.
——-
Why did the pirate put a pumpkin on his eye?
Because he wanted a pumpkin patch.
——
What do you get when you cross a pig with the devil?
Deviled Ham
——
What do ghosts ride at amusement parks?
The roller ghoster.
—–
What did one angry skeleton say to another?
I’ve got a bone to pick with you.
——
What do birds say on Halloween?
Trick or Tweet.
——
Why didn’t the skeleton go trick-or-treating?
Because he didn’t have any guts.
—–
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have any guts.
——-
Why are there fences around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
——-
What do people in West Viginia do on Halloween?
Pump-kin!
——-
Why didn’t the witch have any kids?
Her husband had crystal balls and a hollow-weenie
——-
Did you hear about the Agoraphobic Homosexual Witch?
She was afraid to come out of the broom closet.
——-
Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?
Because he’s a pain in the neck!
——-
What was the witches’ favorite subject in school?
Spelling
——-

10 Things That Sound Dirty at Halloween but Aren’t

10. She’s a goblin!
9. I’d like to get a little something in the sack tonight.
8. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
7. She’s got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch
6. If you just lick it, it’ll last longer.
5. Let me see your big sack!
4. Can I eat your Zagnuts?
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
2. You scared me stiff!

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT SOUNDS DIRTY BUT ISN”T…..

1. He’s got Candy spread out on the living room floor!