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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

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Latest Jokes

What does a lion call a antelope?

Q: What does a lion call a antelope?

A: Fast food.

Redneck Deer

You might be a redneck if you’ve ever hit a deer with your car, deliberately!

Ten miles a day

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.

The blonde followed the doctor’s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: “How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?

Barrel

A bunch of guys are sailing across the ocean. It’s been a few days out at sea and already one guy starts getting horny, so he goes to the captain and asks what he should do. The captain tells him, “There’s a barrel over there with a hole in it. We just use that.”

The guy decides that’s a pretty good idea, so he goes over to the barrel and starts humping it. Much to his surprise, he enjoys the act thoroughly, so when he’s done he goes over to his captain. “Man,” he says, “that was exactly what I needed! Is there a limit on how often I can do that?”

The captain replies, “Any time other than Tuesdays.”

The guy asks, “Why not Tuesdays?”

The captain says, “’Cause that’s your day in the barrel!”

Dog For Sale

In Tennessee, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the mutt replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The mutt looks up and says, “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, “Ten dollars.”

The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?”

The owner replies, “He’s such a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”