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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Irish Jokes

Irish jokes are funny enough to make everyone laugh in the pub. This is because they are known for their inherent sense of humor. The interesting aspect of the Irish jokes is that they seem quite dry when you read them for the first time. But you unknowingly fall in love with this serious humor and learn to narrate them so powerfully that everyone laughs.

Here is an example:

The barman says to Paddy, “Your glass is empty, fancy another one?” Looking puzzled, Paddy says, “Why would I be needing two empty feckin’ glasses?”

Latest Irish Jokes

Paddy the Kerryman Dies

Paddy the Kerryman died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Seanin (Also Kerrymen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.” So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said “Nope, it ain’t Paddy.”

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Seanin in to identify the body. Seanin took a look at him and said, “Yup he’s burnt real bad, roll him over”. The mortician rolled him over and Seanin looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Paddy”.

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Seanin said, “Well, Paddy had two assholes.” “What, he had two assholes?” said the mortician. “Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, “Here comes Paddy with them two assholes….”

Miracles

MIRACLES

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest. The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

Dublin Wazzup

Christy (on telephone) – Hey head? fuckin’ story?
Anto – Jaysus, I’m watchin’ Fair Sitty, havin’ a E.
Christy – Respect. Where’s Jayo?
Anto – Jayo, pick up de phone for de love of fuck.
Jayo – Story?
Christy – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Jayo – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Anto – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee? way a minit dere’s a head a de door.
Garo – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Anto – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Jayo – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Christy – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Anto – So bollix, what’s the story?
Christy – Fuck all, just watchin’ Fair Sitty, havin’ a E.
Anto: Respect, respect.

Enjoying Life

Murphy was 77 years old and had worked 80 hours a week all his life and never had a holiday. His children were all married and his wife had died. He decided to enjoy life. He had a face lift, got a new expensive toupee, bought ten new suits and a brand new car.

One evening he got all dressed up in a new suit, new tie, put on his toupee, and got into his new car and drove off towards Dublin. He was only gone a mile when he was killed in an accident.

On arrival in heaven, he walked over to St. Peter and said, “What’s going on here? All my life I worked hard, and finally, when I had everything in place to enjoy myself, I was killed. Why? Why did you let it happen?”

St. Peter ducked his head in embarrassment and said, “Well, to tell you the truth I didn’t recognize you.”

Hunters in Kerry

A couple of hunters in Kerry are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls 999. He gasps to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he’s dead.”

….There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy’s voice comes back on the line and says, “OK, now what?”