An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad news for you… you have cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month.”
Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad… he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.
He told his friends, “I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.” The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Murphy’s son leaned over and whispered, “Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!”
Murphy said,”I am dying from cancer, son, I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”
Irish in Wild West
Two Irishmen are in the Wild West. They enter Dodge City and notice a sign in a shop saying ‘Indian scalps-$10 each.’ They enter the shop and are given a rifle, ammunition and told that for every Indian scalp they bring back they will get $10.
So they go out into the desert and hide behind a rock beside an oasis in the hope that an Indian would come to drink. Sure enough, 10 minutes later a brave approaches on his horse and gets down to drink. Paddy shoots the Indian and goes over to scalp him.
Just as Paddy gets out his knife, Murphy looks up and sees up and sees Chief Geronimo and his 100,000 braves on a ridge. “Don’t look now” says Murphy, “But we are about to become millionaires!”
Don’t Seek Asylum in Limerick
A scout for Garryowen rugby club in Limerick is looking for new talent in the war-torn Bosnian Region in Yugoslavia. On watching a rugby match there one day he spots an amazing talent and resolves to take him to Ireland to play for Garryowen. The youngster, dying to get out of his horrible existence, agrees.
Back in Ireland that year Garryowen and their arch rivals Shannon are neck and neck at the top of the league table, entering into the last day of the season.
To make matters more tense, they are playing each other in the last game.
At 15 points each going into the last minute of the game the ball drops to Slavan, Garryowen’s new Bosnian prodigy, who runs past 3 Shannon players to score the winning try. Soon after there are wild celebrations as Garryowen celebrate their win.
Slavan is hailed as a hero and invited by the manager to guzzle back champagne back in the dressing room with the rest of the team. But before doing this, Slavan insists that he be able to ring his mother at home to tell her the good news.
On the phone to his mother, he says “Guess what mum, you won’t believe what happened here today, we won the game and I scored the winning try and I’m a hero…..”
His mother interrupts “…..you selfish ba*tard”, she says “you are always thinking of yourself. Do you have any idea what happened to us today. Your father has been killed, your sister was taken away from us and given a good seeing to, and our house has been burnt to the ground!”.
“But Mum, your not being fair. You’re acting as if all this was my fault”, says Slavan.
You’re damn right it is”, she replies. “It was your fu*kin’ idea for us to move to Limerick….!!!”
The New Priest
Father O’Malley, the new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, “Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.” The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, “Try saying things like, ‘I see, yes, go on, I understand and how did you feel about that?” The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying ‘No shit! What happened next”
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “what’ll you have?”
The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”
The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”
The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.”