Paddy the Kerryman Dies
Paddy the Kerryman died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Seanin (Also Kerrymen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.” So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said “Nope, it ain’t Paddy.”
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Seanin in to identify the body. Seanin took a look at him and said, “Yup he’s burnt real bad, roll him over”. The mortician rolled him over and Seanin looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Paddy”.
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Seanin said, “Well, Paddy had two assholes.” “What, he had two assholes?” said the mortician. “Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, “Here comes Paddy with them two assholes….”
The New Priest
Father O’Malley, the new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, “Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.” The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, “Try saying things like, ‘I see, yes, go on, I understand and how did you feel about that?” The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying ‘No shit! What happened next”
Murphy was 77 years old and had worked 80 hours a week all his life and never had a holiday. His children were all married and his wife had died. He decided to enjoy life. He had a face lift, got a new expensive toupee, bought ten new suits and a brand new car.
One evening he got all dressed up in a new suit, new tie, put on his toupee, and got into his new car and drove off towards Dublin. He was only gone a mile when he was killed in an accident.
On arrival in heaven, he walked over to St. Peter and said, “What’s going on here? All my life I worked hard, and finally, when I had everything in place to enjoy myself, I was killed. Why? Why did you let it happen?”
St. Peter ducked his head in embarrassment and said, “Well, to tell you the truth I didn’t recognize you.”
Irish College Students One-Liners
Q. Why don’t they have Christmas at Trinity?
A. They can’t find a virgin and three wise men.
Q. How do they separate the men from the boys at Trinity?
A. With a restraining order.
Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the Carlow campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.
Q. What’s the first thing a Trinity girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.
Q. How can you tell if a Trinity student is heterosexual?
A. He can outrun his roommate!
Q. What does a IT student call a D.C.U student after graduation?
Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Carlow?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.
Q. Did you hear that the library at Trinity burned down?
A. Naturally, the students were very upset….some of the books weren’t colored-in yet.
Q. Why do Trinity graduates put a copy of their diploma in the window of their vehicles?
A. So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q. How do you get a IT grad off your front porch?
A. Pay him for the pizza.
Q. What do tornadoes and graduates from IT’s have in common?
A. They both end up in trailer parks.
Irish in Olympics
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, “Johnson, the pole vault,” and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, “McTavish, the hammer.” He was also admitted.
The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, “O’Sullivan, fencing.”