Aer Lingus Mile High Club
A mother and young son were flying Aer Lingus. The son, who had been looking out the plane’s window, turned to his mother and said “Mom … If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
Stumped for an answer the mother suggested to her son that he ask the stewardess. The boy promptly got out of his seat and wandered back to the service area. “Excuse me” the boy said to the stewardess. “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
“Did your mother tell you to ask me that?”
“Yes” He said nodding his head.
She whispered in the boy’s ear, “Tell your mother it’s because Aer Lingus always pulls out on time.”
Irish in Wild West
Two Irishmen are in the Wild West. They enter Dodge City and notice a sign in a shop saying ‘Indian scalps-$10 each.’ They enter the shop and are given a rifle, ammunition and told that for every Indian scalp they bring back they will get $10.
So they go out into the desert and hide behind a rock beside an oasis in the hope that an Indian would come to drink. Sure enough, 10 minutes later a brave approaches on his horse and gets down to drink. Paddy shoots the Indian and goes over to scalp him.
Just as Paddy gets out his knife, Murphy looks up and sees up and sees Chief Geronimo and his 100,000 braves on a ridge. “Don’t look now” says Murphy, “But we are about to become millionaires!”
Irish in Olympics
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, “Johnson, the pole vault,” and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, “McTavish, the hammer.” He was also admitted.
The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, “O’Sullivan, fencing.”
The New Priest
Father O’Malley, the new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, “Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.” The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, “Try saying things like, ‘I see, yes, go on, I understand and how did you feel about that?” The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying ‘No shit! What happened next”
Sea of Guinness
Lost at Sea, two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To his amazement, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish,not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer! The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick and after a long, tension filled moment, he spoke. “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”