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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Dublin Wazzup

Christy (on telephone) – Hey head? fuckin’ story?
Anto – Jaysus, I’m watchin’ Fair Sitty, havin’ a E.
Christy – Respect. Where’s Jayo?
Anto – Jayo, pick up de phone for de love of fuck.
Jayo – Story?
Christy – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Jayo – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Anto – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee? way a minit dere’s a head a de door.
Garo – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Anto – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Jayo – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Christy – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Anto – So bollix, what’s the story?
Christy – Fuck all, just watchin’ Fair Sitty, havin’ a E.
Anto: Respect, respect.

Latest Irish Jokes

Dublin Wazzup

Christy (on telephone) – Hey head? fuckin’ story?
Anto – Jaysus, I’m watchin’ Fair Sitty, havin’ a E.
Christy – Respect. Where’s Jayo?
Anto – Jayo, pick up de phone for de love of fuck.
Jayo – Story?
Christy – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Jayo – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Anto – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee? way a minit dere’s a head a de door.
Garo – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Anto – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Jayo – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Christy – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Anto – So bollix, what’s the story?
Christy – Fuck all, just watchin’ Fair Sitty, havin’ a E.
Anto: Respect, respect.

Guinness Brothers

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “what’ll you have?”
The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”

The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”

The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.”

Paddy the Kerryman Dies

Paddy the Kerryman died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Seanin (Also Kerrymen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.” So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said “Nope, it ain’t Paddy.”

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Seanin in to identify the body. Seanin took a look at him and said, “Yup he’s burnt real bad, roll him over”. The mortician rolled him over and Seanin looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Paddy”.

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Seanin said, “Well, Paddy had two assholes.” “What, he had two assholes?” said the mortician. “Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, “Here comes Paddy with them two assholes….”

Miracles

MIRACLES

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest. The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

Irish in Olympics

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, “Johnson, the pole vault,” and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, “McTavish, the hammer.” He was also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, “O’Sullivan, fencing.”