Irish in Olympics
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, “Johnson, the pole vault,” and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, “McTavish, the hammer.” He was also admitted.
The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, “O’Sullivan, fencing.”
Aer Lingus Mile High Club
A mother and young son were flying Aer Lingus. The son, who had been looking out the plane’s window, turned to his mother and said “Mom … If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
Stumped for an answer the mother suggested to her son that he ask the stewardess. The boy promptly got out of his seat and wandered back to the service area. “Excuse me” the boy said to the stewardess. “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
“Did your mother tell you to ask me that?”
“Yes” He said nodding his head.
She whispered in the boy’s ear, “Tell your mother it’s because Aer Lingus always pulls out on time.”
Hunters in Kerry
A couple of hunters in Kerry are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls 999. He gasps to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he’s dead.”
….There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy’s voice comes back on the line and says, “OK, now what?”
Irish College Students One-Liners
Q. Why don’t they have Christmas at Trinity?
A. They can’t find a virgin and three wise men.
Q. How do they separate the men from the boys at Trinity?
A. With a restraining order.
Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the Carlow campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.
Q. What’s the first thing a Trinity girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.
Q. How can you tell if a Trinity student is heterosexual?
A. He can outrun his roommate!
Q. What does a IT student call a D.C.U student after graduation?
Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Carlow?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.
Q. Did you hear that the library at Trinity burned down?
A. Naturally, the students were very upset….some of the books weren’t colored-in yet.
Q. Why do Trinity graduates put a copy of their diploma in the window of their vehicles?
A. So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q. How do you get a IT grad off your front porch?
A. Pay him for the pizza.
Q. What do tornadoes and graduates from IT’s have in common?
A. They both end up in trailer parks.
Sea of Guinness
Lost at Sea, two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To his amazement, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish,not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer! The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick and after a long, tension filled moment, he spoke. “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”