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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Irish in Olympics

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, “Johnson, the pole vault,” and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, “McTavish, the hammer.” He was also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, “O’Sullivan, fencing.”

Latest Irish Jokes

Irish in Wild West

Two Irishmen are in the Wild West. They enter Dodge City and notice a sign in a shop saying ‘Indian scalps-$10 each.’ They enter the shop and are given a rifle, ammunition and told that for every Indian scalp they bring back they will get $10.

So they go out into the desert and hide behind a rock beside an oasis in the hope that an Indian would come to drink. Sure enough, 10 minutes later a brave approaches on his horse and gets down to drink. Paddy shoots the Indian and goes over to scalp him.

Just as Paddy gets out his knife, Murphy looks up and sees up and sees Chief Geronimo and his 100,000 braves on a ridge. “Don’t look now” says Murphy, “But we are about to become millionaires!”

The New Priest

Father O’Malley, the new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, “Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.” The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, “Try saying things like, ‘I see, yes, go on, I understand and how did you feel about that?” The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying ‘No shit! What happened next”

Enjoying Life

Murphy was 77 years old and had worked 80 hours a week all his life and never had a holiday. His children were all married and his wife had died. He decided to enjoy life. He had a face lift, got a new expensive toupee, bought ten new suits and a brand new car.

One evening he got all dressed up in a new suit, new tie, put on his toupee, and got into his new car and drove off towards Dublin. He was only gone a mile when he was killed in an accident.

On arrival in heaven, he walked over to St. Peter and said, “What’s going on here? All my life I worked hard, and finally, when I had everything in place to enjoy myself, I was killed. Why? Why did you let it happen?”

St. Peter ducked his head in embarrassment and said, “Well, to tell you the truth I didn’t recognize you.”

Aer Lingus Mile High Club

A mother and young son were flying Aer Lingus. The son, who had been looking out the plane’s window, turned to his mother and said “Mom … If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

Stumped for an answer the mother suggested to her son that he ask the stewardess. The boy promptly got out of his seat and wandered back to the service area. “Excuse me” the boy said to the stewardess. “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

“Did your mother tell you to ask me that?”
“Yes” He said nodding his head.
She whispered in the boy’s ear, “Tell your mother it’s because Aer Lingus always pulls out on time.”

Hunters in Kerry

A couple of hunters in Kerry are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls 999. He gasps to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he’s dead.”

….There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy’s voice comes back on the line and says, “OK, now what?”