Irish in Olympics
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, “Johnson, the pole vault,” and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, “McTavish, the hammer.” He was also admitted.
The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, “O’Sullivan, fencing.”
Sea of Guinness
Lost at Sea, two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To his amazement, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish,not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer! The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick and after a long, tension filled moment, he spoke. “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”
Taking a Lover
Grainne Halloran takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the press and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the press with her son. The little boy says, ‘Dark in here’ The man says, ‘Yes it is.’Her son says – ‘I have a skateboard
Man – ‘That’s nice.’
Son – ‘Want to buy it?’
Man – ‘No thanks.”
Son – ‘My Dad’s outside.’
Man – ‘How much?’
Son – ‘$500.00.’
In the next few weeks it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the press together
Son – ‘Dark in here.’
Man – ‘Yes, it is.’
Son – ‘I have a helmet.’
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, ‘How much?’
Son – ‘$200.00.’
Man – ‘Fine.’
A few days later the father says to the boy, ‘Get your skateboard and helmet and show me how you can ride..
His son says, ‘I can’t, I sold them.’
The father asks, ‘How much did you sell them for?’
Son – ‘$700.00.’
The father says, ‘That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.’
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, ‘Dark in here.’ The priest says, ‘Don’t start that shit again.’
Dublin Wazzup
Christy (on telephone) – Hey head? fuckin’ story?
Anto – Jaysus, I’m watchin’ Fair Sitty, havin’ a E.
Christy – Respect. Where’s Jayo?
Anto – Jayo, pick up de phone for de love of fuck.
Jayo – Story?
Christy – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Jayo – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Anto – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee? way a minit dere’s a head a de door.
Garo – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Anto – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Jayo – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Christy – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Anto – So bollix, what’s the story?
Christy – Fuck all, just watchin’ Fair Sitty, havin’ a E.
Anto: Respect, respect.
Smart Irishman
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad news for you… you have cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month.”
Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad… he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.
He told his friends, “I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.” The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Murphy’s son leaned over and whispered, “Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!”
Murphy said,”I am dying from cancer, son, I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”
