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Paddy the Kerryman Dies

Paddy the Kerryman died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Seanin (Also Kerrymen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.” So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said “Nope, it ain’t Paddy.”

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Seanin in to identify the body. Seanin took a look at him and said, “Yup he’s burnt real bad, roll him over”. The mortician rolled him over and Seanin looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Paddy”.

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Seanin said, “Well, Paddy had two assholes.” “What, he had two assholes?” said the mortician. “Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, “Here comes Paddy with them two assholes….”

Latest Irish Jokes

Sea of Guinness

Lost at Sea, two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To his amazement, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish,not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer! The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick and after a long, tension filled moment, he spoke. “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

Miracles

MIRACLES

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest. The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

Paddy the Kerryman Dies

Paddy the Kerryman died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Seanin (Also Kerrymen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.” So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said “Nope, it ain’t Paddy.”

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Seanin in to identify the body. Seanin took a look at him and said, “Yup he’s burnt real bad, roll him over”. The mortician rolled him over and Seanin looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Paddy”.

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Seanin said, “Well, Paddy had two assholes.” “What, he had two assholes?” said the mortician. “Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, “Here comes Paddy with them two assholes….”

Irish in Wild West

Two Irishmen are in the Wild West. They enter Dodge City and notice a sign in a shop saying ‘Indian scalps-$10 each.’ They enter the shop and are given a rifle, ammunition and told that for every Indian scalp they bring back they will get $10.

So they go out into the desert and hide behind a rock beside an oasis in the hope that an Indian would come to drink. Sure enough, 10 minutes later a brave approaches on his horse and gets down to drink. Paddy shoots the Indian and goes over to scalp him.

Just as Paddy gets out his knife, Murphy looks up and sees up and sees Chief Geronimo and his 100,000 braves on a ridge. “Don’t look now” says Murphy, “But we are about to become millionaires!”

Hunters in Kerry

A couple of hunters in Kerry are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls 999. He gasps to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he’s dead.”

….There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy’s voice comes back on the line and says, “OK, now what?”