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Funny Jokes

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Paddy the Kerryman Dies

Paddy the Kerryman died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Seanin (Also Kerrymen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.” So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said “Nope, it ain’t Paddy.”

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Seanin in to identify the body. Seanin took a look at him and said, “Yup he’s burnt real bad, roll him over”. The mortician rolled him over and Seanin looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Paddy”.

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Seanin said, “Well, Paddy had two assholes.” “What, he had two assholes?” said the mortician. “Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, “Here comes Paddy with them two assholes….”

Latest Irish Jokes

Irish in Wild West

Two Irishmen are in the Wild West. They enter Dodge City and notice a sign in a shop saying ‘Indian scalps-$10 each.’ They enter the shop and are given a rifle, ammunition and told that for every Indian scalp they bring back they will get $10.

So they go out into the desert and hide behind a rock beside an oasis in the hope that an Indian would come to drink. Sure enough, 10 minutes later a brave approaches on his horse and gets down to drink. Paddy shoots the Indian and goes over to scalp him.

Just as Paddy gets out his knife, Murphy looks up and sees up and sees Chief Geronimo and his 100,000 braves on a ridge. “Don’t look now” says Murphy, “But we are about to become millionaires!”

Dublin Wazzup

Christy (on telephone) – Hey head? fuckin’ story?
Anto – Jaysus, I’m watchin’ Fair Sitty, havin’ a E.
Christy – Respect. Where’s Jayo?
Anto – Jayo, pick up de phone for de love of fuck.
Jayo – Story?
Christy – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Jayo – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Anto – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee? way a minit dere’s a head a de door.
Garo – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Anto – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Jayo – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Christy – Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Anto – So bollix, what’s the story?
Christy – Fuck all, just watchin’ Fair Sitty, havin’ a E.
Anto: Respect, respect.

Aer Lingus Mile High Club

A mother and young son were flying Aer Lingus. The son, who had been looking out the plane’s window, turned to his mother and said “Mom … If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

Stumped for an answer the mother suggested to her son that he ask the stewardess. The boy promptly got out of his seat and wandered back to the service area. “Excuse me” the boy said to the stewardess. “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

“Did your mother tell you to ask me that?”
“Yes” He said nodding his head.
She whispered in the boy’s ear, “Tell your mother it’s because Aer Lingus always pulls out on time.”

Taking a Lover

Grainne Halloran takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the press and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the press with her son. The little boy says, ‘Dark in here’ The man says, ‘Yes it is.’Her son says – ‘I have a skateboard

Man – ‘That’s nice.’
Son – ‘Want to buy it?’
Man – ‘No thanks.”
Son – ‘My Dad’s outside.’
Man – ‘How much?’
Son – ‘$500.00.’

In the next few weeks it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the press together
Son – ‘Dark in here.’
Man – ‘Yes, it is.’
Son – ‘I have a helmet.’
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, ‘How much?’
Son – ‘$200.00.’
Man – ‘Fine.’

A few days later the father says to the boy, ‘Get your skateboard and helmet and show me how you can ride..
His son says, ‘I can’t, I sold them.’
The father asks, ‘How much did you sell them for?’
Son – ‘$700.00.’
The father says, ‘That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.’

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, ‘Dark in here.’ The priest says, ‘Don’t start that shit again.’

Smart Irishman

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad news for you… you have cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month.”

Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad… he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.

He told his friends, “I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.” The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy’s son leaned over and whispered, “Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!”

Murphy said,”I am dying from cancer, son, I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”