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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Taking a Lover

Grainne Halloran takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the press and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the press with her son. The little boy says, ‘Dark in here’ The man says, ‘Yes it is.’Her son says – ‘I have a skateboard

Man – ‘That’s nice.’
Son – ‘Want to buy it?’
Man – ‘No thanks.”
Son – ‘My Dad’s outside.’
Man – ‘How much?’
Son – ‘$500.00.’

In the next few weeks it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the press together
Son – ‘Dark in here.’
Man – ‘Yes, it is.’
Son – ‘I have a helmet.’
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, ‘How much?’
Son – ‘$200.00.’
Man – ‘Fine.’

A few days later the father says to the boy, ‘Get your skateboard and helmet and show me how you can ride..
His son says, ‘I can’t, I sold them.’
The father asks, ‘How much did you sell them for?’
Son – ‘$700.00.’
The father says, ‘That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.’

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, ‘Dark in here.’ The priest says, ‘Don’t start that shit again.’

Latest Irish Jokes

Irish in Wild West

Two Irishmen are in the Wild West. They enter Dodge City and notice a sign in a shop saying ‘Indian scalps-$10 each.’ They enter the shop and are given a rifle, ammunition and told that for every Indian scalp they bring back they will get $10.

So they go out into the desert and hide behind a rock beside an oasis in the hope that an Indian would come to drink. Sure enough, 10 minutes later a brave approaches on his horse and gets down to drink. Paddy shoots the Indian and goes over to scalp him.

Just as Paddy gets out his knife, Murphy looks up and sees up and sees Chief Geronimo and his 100,000 braves on a ridge. “Don’t look now” says Murphy, “But we are about to become millionaires!”

Miracles

MIRACLES

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest. The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

Don’t Seek Asylum in Limerick

A scout for Garryowen rugby club in Limerick is looking for new talent in the war-torn Bosnian Region in Yugoslavia. On watching a rugby match there one day he spots an amazing talent and resolves to take him to Ireland to play for Garryowen. The youngster, dying to get out of his horrible existence, agrees.

Back in Ireland that year Garryowen and their arch rivals Shannon are neck and neck at the top of the league table, entering into the last day of the season.

To make matters more tense, they are playing each other in the last game.

At 15 points each going into the last minute of the game the ball drops to Slavan, Garryowen’s new Bosnian prodigy, who runs past 3 Shannon players to score the winning try. Soon after there are wild celebrations as Garryowen celebrate their win.

Slavan is hailed as a hero and invited by the manager to guzzle back champagne back in the dressing room with the rest of the team. But before doing this, Slavan insists that he be able to ring his mother at home to tell her the good news.

On the phone to his mother, he says “Guess what mum, you won’t believe what happened here today, we won the game and I scored the winning try and I’m a hero…..”

His mother interrupts “…..you selfish ba*tard”, she says “you are always thinking of yourself. Do you have any idea what happened to us today. Your father has been killed, your sister was taken away from us and given a good seeing to, and our house has been burnt to the ground!”.

“But Mum, your not being fair. You’re acting as if all this was my fault”, says Slavan.

You’re damn right it is”, she replies. “It was your fu*kin’ idea for us to move to Limerick….!!!”

Irish in Olympics

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, “Johnson, the pole vault,” and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, “McTavish, the hammer.” He was also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, “O’Sullivan, fencing.”

Smart Irishman

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad news for you… you have cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month.”

Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad… he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.

He told his friends, “I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.” The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy’s son leaned over and whispered, “Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!”

Murphy said,”I am dying from cancer, son, I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”