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The New Priest

Father O’Malley, the new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, “Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.” The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, “Try saying things like, ‘I see, yes, go on, I understand and how did you feel about that?” The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying ‘No shit! What happened next”

Latest Irish Jokes

Taking a Lover

Grainne Halloran takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the press and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the press with her son. The little boy says, ‘Dark in here’ The man says, ‘Yes it is.’Her son says – ‘I have a skateboard

Man – ‘That’s nice.’
Son – ‘Want to buy it?’
Man – ‘No thanks.”
Son – ‘My Dad’s outside.’
Man – ‘How much?’
Son – ‘$500.00.’

In the next few weeks it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the press together
Son – ‘Dark in here.’
Man – ‘Yes, it is.’
Son – ‘I have a helmet.’
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, ‘How much?’
Son – ‘$200.00.’
Man – ‘Fine.’

A few days later the father says to the boy, ‘Get your skateboard and helmet and show me how you can ride..
His son says, ‘I can’t, I sold them.’
The father asks, ‘How much did you sell them for?’
Son – ‘$700.00.’
The father says, ‘That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.’

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, ‘Dark in here.’ The priest says, ‘Don’t start that shit again.’

Enjoying Life

Murphy was 77 years old and had worked 80 hours a week all his life and never had a holiday. His children were all married and his wife had died. He decided to enjoy life. He had a face lift, got a new expensive toupee, bought ten new suits and a brand new car.

One evening he got all dressed up in a new suit, new tie, put on his toupee, and got into his new car and drove off towards Dublin. He was only gone a mile when he was killed in an accident.

On arrival in heaven, he walked over to St. Peter and said, “What’s going on here? All my life I worked hard, and finally, when I had everything in place to enjoy myself, I was killed. Why? Why did you let it happen?”

St. Peter ducked his head in embarrassment and said, “Well, to tell you the truth I didn’t recognize you.”

Guinness Brothers

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “what’ll you have?”
The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”

The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”

The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.”

Irish College Students One-Liners

Q. Why don’t they have Christmas at Trinity?
A. They can’t find a virgin and three wise men.

Q. How do they separate the men from the boys at Trinity?
A. With a restraining order.

Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the Carlow campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.

Q. What’s the first thing a Trinity girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.

Q. How can you tell if a Trinity student is heterosexual?
A. He can outrun his roommate!

Q. What does a IT student call a D.C.U student after graduation?
A. Boss.

Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Carlow?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.

Q. Did you hear that the library at Trinity burned down?
A. Naturally, the students were very upset….some of the books weren’t colored-in yet.

Q. Why do Trinity graduates put a copy of their diploma in the window of their vehicles?
A. So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q. How do you get a IT grad off your front porch?
A. Pay him for the pizza.

Q. What do tornadoes and graduates from IT’s have in common?
A. They both end up in trailer parks.

Irish in Wild West

Two Irishmen are in the Wild West. They enter Dodge City and notice a sign in a shop saying ‘Indian scalps-$10 each.’ They enter the shop and are given a rifle, ammunition and told that for every Indian scalp they bring back they will get $10.

So they go out into the desert and hide behind a rock beside an oasis in the hope that an Indian would come to drink. Sure enough, 10 minutes later a brave approaches on his horse and gets down to drink. Paddy shoots the Indian and goes over to scalp him.

Just as Paddy gets out his knife, Murphy looks up and sees up and sees Chief Geronimo and his 100,000 braves on a ridge. “Don’t look now” says Murphy, “But we are about to become millionaires!”