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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Honest

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
“My name is Billy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.
“Tommy,” replied the second.
“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?” asked Billy.
Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”
“Honest?” asked Billy.
“No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.

Latest Lawyer Jokes

Man walks into a lawyer’s office

A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the rates.

“Fifty dollars for three questions, ” replied the lawyer.

“Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man.

“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”

The kind lawyer

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.
“We don’t have any money for food.” the poor man replied.
“Oh, come along with me then.”
“But sir, I have a wife with two children!”
“Bring them along! And you, come with us too!”, he said to the other man.
“But sir, I have a wife with six children!” the second man answered.
“Bring them as well!”

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!”

The Lawyer’s Funeral

A man is at his laywer’s funeral and and is suprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. “Why are you all at this man’s funeral?”

A man turns towards him and says, “We’re all clients.”

“And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching.”

“No, we came to make sure he was dead.”

Lawyer Send Me

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch – he couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “One million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer.”

Cash Deal

“Mr. Lawyer. I want you to defend me.”
“What’s the charge?”
“I was arrested for issuing fake checks.”
“I’ll defend you, but only if you pay me in cash.”