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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Tough Questions

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.”

The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn’t REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?”

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, “1,228.”

“That’s right! You may enter.”

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. “Name them.”

Latest Lawyer Jokes

Three questions

A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates.
“$50.00 for three questions”, replied the lawyer.
“Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man.
“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”

Oh, those darn lawyers

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and they’re off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

”Help me find my ball. Look over there,” he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ”I’ve found my ball!” he announces.

”After all of the years we’ve been partners and playing together,” Jon says, “you’d cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?”

”What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!”

”And you’re a liar, too!” Jon says. ”I’ll have you know I’ve been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!”

Please Drink?!

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road.

The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.

The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

“Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?” asked the doctor.

“Sure, after the police leave,” replied the attorney.

Lawyer Send Me

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch – he couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “One million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer.”

The Saints

The divorce judge asked little Johnny which parent he wanted to live with. Little Johnny replied, “Not my daddy, he beats me…Not my mommy, either; she beats me, too.” Little Johnny thought for a minute, then exclaimed, “I know! I want to live with the New Orleans Saints! They don’t beat anybody!”