1. Britney Spears & Eminem Who, combined, have written more books than they’ve read.
2. Dr. Phil Mcgraw Who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues.
3. America’s Oil Companies For a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don’t mix.
4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel Sharon For those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed each other.
5. Bill Gates For creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession.
6. The Editors of Maxim For managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models.
7. Jared Of the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no one.
8. Jennifer Lopez Who, in conjunction with DuPont, developed a synthetic fabric capable of containing her ass.
9. That 300 Pound Guy Who always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights.
10. Glaxo Who has managed to make ‘loose stools’ a side effect of every one of the drugs it produces.
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.
The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, “We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one.”
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, “Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long.”
A man walked into a Doctor’s office. “What do you have?” the receptionist asked.
She told him to sit down. Soon a nurse called him and asked, “What do you have?”
“Shingles,” he replied.
She took his blood pressure, weight, and complete medical history. Then she took him to a room and told him to remove all of his clothes. After a few minutes the Doctor came in and asked,”What do you have?”
“Shingles,” the man told him.
The Doctor looked him up and down and said,”Where?”
“Out on the truck. Where do you want me to unload them?
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.
Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and the CEO was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press – and Wall Street – responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.”
This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I’ll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. Hmmmmmm. I think it’s out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old; it takes forever to finish.
3. It’s an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you’ll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn’t:
1. It’s not fair… I do all the work while he just sits there!