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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

An old occupation

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

– Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

– Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

– Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

– Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

– Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

– Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

– Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

– Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

– Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.

– Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

– Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

– Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

– Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.

– Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

– Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.

– Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

– Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

– Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

– Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

– Old garagemen never die, they just retire.

– Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.

– Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.

– Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.

– Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.

– Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.

– Old investors never die, they just roll over.

– Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.

– Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.

– Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.

– Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

– Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

– Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

– Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

– Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor…

– Old musicians never die, they just get played out.

– Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.

– Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.

– Old owls never die, they just don’t give a hoot.

– Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.

– Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.

– Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

– Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.

– Old policemen never die, they just cop out.

– Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on….

– Old printers never die, they’re just not the type.

– Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.

– Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.

– Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.

– Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.

– Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.

– Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.

– Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.

– Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.

– Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.

– Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.

– Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.

– Old students never die, they just get degraded.

– Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.

– Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.

– Walt Disney didn’t die. He’s in suspended animation.

– Old white wate

Latest Office Jokes

Must help the wife

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

“We’re short-handed, Smith” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”

“Thanks, boss,” says Smith “I knew I could count on you!”

If Resumes Told the Truth

OBJECTIVE
To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.

EDUCATION
School: Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don’t Ask

EMPLOYMENT
NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present) Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages.
DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99) Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.
RESIDENT INHALER (9/98-6/99) Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling.

COMPUTER SKILLS
*Solitaire *Minesweeper *On/Off Repair Method HONORS AND AWARDS
*First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament *Said Toast at brother’s wedding *High Score on Theta Chi’s Pin Ball Machine

For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you’re considering me as a law school applicant.

Want a day off work?

So you want a day off. Let’s take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

New Secretary

Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: “Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She’s a lot better in bed than my wife!”

Two days later. George to John: “Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!

Old local blacksmith

An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. “Don’t ask me a lot of questions,” he told the boy. “Just do whatever I tell you to do.” One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. “Get the hammer over there,” he said. “When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard.” Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.