The Young Businessman
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”
If Resumes Told the Truth
To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.
School: Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don’t Ask
NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present) Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages.
DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99) Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.
RESIDENT INHALER (9/98-6/99) Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling.
*Solitaire *Minesweeper *On/Off Repair Method HONORS AND AWARDS
*First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament *Said Toast at brother’s wedding *High Score on Theta Chi’s Pin Ball Machine
For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you’re considering me as a law school applicant.
Old local blacksmith
An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. “Don’t ask me a lot of questions,” he told the boy. “Just do whatever I tell you to do.” One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. “Get the hammer over there,” he said. “When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard.” Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
A guy (we’ll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman’s home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing.
He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.
When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.
”Aaron, The carpet lookes wonderful!” she exclaimed. ”Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my gerbil?”
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,” — Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. “Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff,” — Mariah Carey
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,” — Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,” — Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,” — Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president,” — Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,” — A congressional candidate in Texas.
“I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.” — John Wayne
“Half this game is ninety percent mental.” — Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” — Al Gore, Vice President
“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.” — Dan Quayle
” It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another” — George Bush, US President
“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?” — Lee Iacocca
“I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version,” — Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
“The word ‘genius’ isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein,” — Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.” — Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.” — Bill Clinton, President
“We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.” — Al Gore, VP
“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.” — Keppel Enderbery
“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.” — Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.” — Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires.” — George Bush