When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, “I should be boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.”
The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”
The hands said, “We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story: You don’t need brains to be a boss – any asshole will do.
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”
“We’re short-handed, Smith” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”
“Thanks, boss,” says Smith “I knew I could count on you!”
What happens when people of different occupations get old.
– Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
– Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
– Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
– Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
– Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
– Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
– Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
– Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
– Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
– Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
– Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
– Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
– Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
– Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
– Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
– Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
– Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
– Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
– Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
– Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
– Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
– Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
– Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
– Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
– Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
– Old investors never die, they just roll over.
– Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
– Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
– Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
– Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
– Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
– Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
– Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
– Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor…
– Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
– Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
– Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
– Old owls never die, they just don’t give a hoot.
– Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
– Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.
– Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
– Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
– Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
– Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on….
– Old printers never die, they’re just not the type.
– Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
– Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
– Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
– Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
– Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
– Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
– Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
– Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
– Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
– Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
– Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
– Old students never die, they just get degraded.
– Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
– Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
– Walt Disney didn’t die. He’s in suspended animation.
– Old white wate
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers’ hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.
When you’re on a workplace training course, think of it like this:
When you start the course, you are on-course.
When you’re in the middle of the course, that’s group intercourse.
When you’ve finished the course, that’s when you’re off course, of course.
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He’d rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?” The man said, “Sure. I’ve come to install the phone!”