Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: “Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She’s a lot better in bed than my wife!”
Two days later. George to John: “Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!
One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.
“Yes!” he says looking and sounding relieved, “This is very important.”
Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, “Thanks, I only need one copy.”
At The Job Interview
One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.
“I can fix that with some Aspirin. Just take some and I’ll be better in a second”
So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.
The CEO says “We don’t approve of womanizing!”
The guy says “Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking”
HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE
Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Sparky.” “No, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha.”
Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”
Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven’t lost them as much since you did this.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.
Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
Put your trash can on your desk. Label it “IN.”
Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
Send e-mail messages saying there’s free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.”
Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
One Day While Scaffolding
Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve’s body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve’s wife.
Bob says he’s good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.
“So did you tell her?” asks Jeff.
“Yep”, replied Bob.
“Say, where did you get the six-pack?”
Bob informs Jeff. “She gave it to me!”
“What??” exclaims Jeff, “you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??”
“Sure,” Bob says.
“Why?” asks Jeff.
“Well,” Bob continues, “when she answered the door, I asked her, ‘are you Steve’s widow?’ ‘Widow?’, she said, ‘no, no, you’re mistaken, I’m not a widow!’ So I said: “I’ll bet you a six-pack you ARE!’”