If Resumes Told the Truth
To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.
School: Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don’t Ask
NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present) Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages.
DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99) Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.
RESIDENT INHALER (9/98-6/99) Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling.
*Solitaire *Minesweeper *On/Off Repair Method HONORS AND AWARDS
*First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament *Said Toast at brother’s wedding *High Score on Theta Chi’s Pin Ball Machine
For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you’re considering me as a law school applicant.
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren’t
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I’ll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. Hmmmmmm. I think it’s out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old; it takes forever to finish.
3. It’s an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you’ll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn’t:
1. It’s not fair… I do all the work while he just sits there!
In the beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. And they spoke among themselves, saying, ”It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.”
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, ”It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof.”
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, ”It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it.”
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, ”It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another, ”It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, ”It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.”
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, ”This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company, with powerful effects.”
And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
This is how Shit Happens.
Rules For Work +
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers’ hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.
Chair Man of the Board
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”