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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Chair Man of the Board

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”

Latest Office Jokes

Chair Man of the Board

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”

If Resumes Told the Truth

OBJECTIVE
To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.

EDUCATION
School: Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don’t Ask

EMPLOYMENT
NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present) Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages.
DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99) Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.
RESIDENT INHALER (9/98-6/99) Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling.

COMPUTER SKILLS
*Solitaire *Minesweeper *On/Off Repair Method HONORS AND AWARDS
*First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament *Said Toast at brother’s wedding *High Score on Theta Chi’s Pin Ball Machine

For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you’re considering me as a law school applicant.

New Secretary

Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: “Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She’s a lot better in bed than my wife!”

Two days later. George to John: “Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!

At The Job Interview

One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.

“I can fix that with some Aspirin. Just take some and I’ll be better in a second”

So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.

The CEO says “We don’t approve of womanizing!”

The guy says “Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking”

Top 10 Funny Store Signs

1. Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary, we hear you coming.”
2. Outside a hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people.”
3. On a desk in a reception room: “We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left.”
4. In a veterinarians waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!”
5. At the electric company: “We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t you will be.”
6. On the door of a computer store: “Out for a quick byte.”
7. In a restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.”
8. Inside a bowling alley: “Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop.”
9. In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”
10. In a counselors office: “Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.