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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Intelligent Quotes

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,” — Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. “Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff,” — Mariah Carey
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,” — Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,” — Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,” — Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president,” — Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,” — A congressional candidate in Texas.

“I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.” — John Wayne

“Half this game is ninety percent mental.” — Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” — Al Gore, Vice President

“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.” — Dan Quayle

” It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another” — George Bush, US President

“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?” — Lee Iacocca

“I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version,” — Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

“The word ‘genius’ isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein,” — Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.” — Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.” — Bill Clinton, President

“We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.” — Al Gore, VP

“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.” — Keppel Enderbery

“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.” — Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.” — Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires.” — George Bush

Latest Office Jokes

An old occupation

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

– Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

– Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

– Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

– Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

– Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

– Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

– Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

– Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

– Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.

– Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

– Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

– Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

– Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.

– Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

– Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.

– Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

– Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

– Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

– Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

– Old garagemen never die, they just retire.

– Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.

– Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.

– Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.

– Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.

– Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.

– Old investors never die, they just roll over.

– Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.

– Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.

– Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.

– Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

– Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

– Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

– Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

– Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor…

– Old musicians never die, they just get played out.

– Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.

– Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.

– Old owls never die, they just don’t give a hoot.

– Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.

– Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.

– Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

– Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.

– Old policemen never die, they just cop out.

– Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on….

– Old printers never die, they’re just not the type.

– Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.

– Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.

– Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.

– Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.

– Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.

– Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.

– Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.

– Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.

– Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.

– Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.

– Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.

– Old students never die, they just get degraded.

– Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.

– Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.

– Walt Disney didn’t die. He’s in suspended animation.

– Old white wate

Workplace insanity

HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE

Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Sparky.” “No, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha.”

Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”

Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven’t lost them as much since you did this.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.

Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.

Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

Put your trash can on your desk. Label it “IN.”

Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

Send e-mail messages saying there’s free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.”

Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

Rules For Work +

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers’ hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.

People Who Should’ve Won This Years Nobel Prize

1. Britney Spears & Eminem Who, combined, have written more books than they’ve read.

2. Dr. Phil Mcgraw Who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues.

3. America’s Oil Companies For a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don’t mix.

4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel Sharon For those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed each other.

5. Bill Gates For creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession.

6. The Editors of Maxim For managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models.

7. Jared Of the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no one.

8. Jennifer Lopez Who, in conjunction with DuPont, developed a synthetic fabric capable of containing her ass.

9. That 300 Pound Guy Who always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights.

10. Glaxo Who has managed to make ‘loose stools’ a side effect of every one of the drugs it produces.

Never say it at work

TWELVE THINGS YOU’LL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.

2. If it’s really a “rush job,” run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That greatly aids my efficiency.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I might need to learn how to function as a paraplegic in future and opening doors is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate.