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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

One Day While Scaffolding

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve’s body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve’s wife.

Bob says he’s good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

“So did you tell her?” asks Jeff.

“Yep”, replied Bob.

“Say, where did you get the six-pack?”

Bob informs Jeff. “She gave it to me!”

“What??” exclaims Jeff, “you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??”

“Sure,” Bob says.

“Why?” asks Jeff.

“Well,” Bob continues, “when she answered the door, I asked her, ‘are you Steve’s widow?’ ‘Widow?’, she said, ‘no, no, you’re mistaken, I’m not a widow!’ So I said: “I’ll bet you a six-pack you ARE!’”

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Carpet Joke

A guy (we’ll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman’s home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing.

He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.

When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.

”Aaron, The carpet lookes wonderful!” she exclaimed. ”Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my gerbil?”

Boss wants too much

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson’s arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty an…

C.E.O. D.U.M.B

One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.

“Yes!” he says looking and sounding relieved, “This is very important.”

Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, “Thanks, I only need one copy.”

The CEO

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.

Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and the CEO was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press – and Wall Street – responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.”

This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”

Shingles

A man walked into a Doctor’s office. “What do you have?” the receptionist asked.

“Shingles,”he replied.

She told him to sit down. Soon a nurse called him and asked, “What do you have?”

“Shingles,” he replied.

She took his blood pressure, weight, and complete medical history. Then she took him to a room and told him to remove all of his clothes. After a few minutes the Doctor came in and asked,”What do you have?”

“Shingles,” the man told him.

The Doctor looked him up and down and said,”Where?”

“Out on the truck. Where do you want me to unload them?