Chair Man of the Board
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”
A man walked into a Doctor’s office. “What do you have?” the receptionist asked.
She told him to sit down. Soon a nurse called him and asked, “What do you have?”
“Shingles,” he replied.
She took his blood pressure, weight, and complete medical history. Then she took him to a room and told him to remove all of his clothes. After a few minutes the Doctor came in and asked,”What do you have?”
“Shingles,” the man told him.
The Doctor looked him up and down and said,”Where?”
“Out on the truck. Where do you want me to unload them?
People Who Should’ve Won This Years Nobel Prize
1. Britney Spears & Eminem Who, combined, have written more books than they”ve read.
2. Dr. Phil Mcgraw Who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues.
3. America”s Oil Companies For a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don”t mix.
4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel Sharon For those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed each other.
5. Bill Gates For creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession.
6. The Editors of Maxim For managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models.
7. Jared Of the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no one.
8. Jennifer Lopez Who, in conjunction with DuPont, developed a synthetic fabric capable of containing her ass.
9. That 300 Pound Guy Who always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights.
10. Glaxo Who has managed to make “loose stools” a side effect of every one of the drugs it produces.
Big Boss Ass
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, “I should be boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.”
The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”
The hands said, “We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story: You don’t need brains to be a boss – any asshole will do.
Old local blacksmith
An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. “Don’t ask me a lot of questions,” he told the boy. “Just do whatever I tell you to do.” One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. “Get the hammer over there,” he said. “When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard.” Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.