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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Work Genesis

In the beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. And they spoke among themselves, saying, ”It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.”

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, ”It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof.”

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, ”It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it.”

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, ”It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another, ”It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, ”It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.”

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, ”This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company, with powerful effects.”

And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

This is how Shit Happens.

Work Genesis

In the beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance.

And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. And they spoke among themselves, saying, ”It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.”

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, ”It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof.”

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, ”It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it.”

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, ”It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another, ”It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, ”It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.”

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, ”This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company, with powerful effects.”

And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

This is how Shit Happens.

Latest Office Jokes

Must help the wife

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

“We’re short-handed, Smith” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”

“Thanks, boss,” says Smith “I knew I could count on you!”

Never say it at work

TWELVE THINGS YOU’LL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.

2. If it’s really a “rush job,” run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That greatly aids my efficiency.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I might need to learn how to function as a paraplegic in future and opening doors is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate.

People Who Should’ve Won This Years Nobel Prize

1. Britney Spears & Eminem Who, combined, have written more books than they’ve read.

2. Dr. Phil Mcgraw Who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues.

3. America’s Oil Companies For a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don’t mix.

4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel Sharon For those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed each other.

5. Bill Gates For creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession.

6. The Editors of Maxim For managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models.

7. Jared Of the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no one.

8. Jennifer Lopez Who, in conjunction with DuPont, developed a synthetic fabric capable of containing her ass.

9. That 300 Pound Guy Who always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights.

10. Glaxo Who has managed to make ‘loose stools’ a side effect of every one of the drugs it produces.

Chair Man of the Board

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”

If Resumes Told the Truth

OBJECTIVE
To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.

EDUCATION
School: Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don’t Ask

EMPLOYMENT
NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present) Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages.
DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99) Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.
RESIDENT INHALER (9/98-6/99) Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling.

COMPUTER SKILLS
*Solitaire *Minesweeper *On/Off Repair Method HONORS AND AWARDS
*First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament *Said Toast at brother’s wedding *High Score on Theta Chi’s Pin Ball Machine

For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you’re considering me as a law school applicant.