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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Gone Fishing

An Irish priest loved to fly fish, it was an obsession of his. So far this year the weather had been so bad that he hadn’t had a chance to get his beloved wadders on and his favorite flies out of their box.

Strangly though, every Sunday the weather had been good, but of course Sunday is the day he has to go to work.

The weather forcast was good again for the coming Sunday so he called a fellow priest claiming to have lost his voice and be in bed with the flu. He asked him to take over his sermon.

The fly fishing priest drove fifty miles to a river near the coast so that no one would recognise him. An angel up in Heaven was keeping watch and saw what the priest was doing. He told God who agreed that he would do something about it.

With the first cast of his line a huge fish mouth gulped down the fly. For over an hour the priest ran up and down the river bank fighting the fish. At the end when he finally landed the monster size fish it turned out to be a world record Salmon.

Confused the angel asked God, “Why did you let him catch that huge fish? I thought you were going to teach him a lesson.”

God replied “I did. Who do you think he’s going to tell?”

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The Lawyer & The Dead Man

A dying man gathered his best friends – a lawyer, doctor and clergyman – at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.

A week later the man died. At the wake, the lawyer and doctor and clergyman each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell.

By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness.

The doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman’s sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.

By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. “I am the only one who kept my promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount.

The other men looked down in embarrassment and the lawyer continued, “Indeed, only I honored the deathbed wishes of our great friend. My envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.”

Redneck Easter

You might be a redneck if last year you hid Easter eggs under cowpies!

Golf Balls and G-Spots

What’s the difference between a girl’s G-spot and a golf ball?

A man will spend hours looking for the golf ball!

Just Readin’

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a short nap. Although she isn’t familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes the game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside her and says,”Good morning, Ma’am, what are you doing?”

“Reading my book,” she replies, thinking isn’t that obvious?

“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.

“But officer, I’m not fishing. Can’t you see that?”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with rape,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.

“That’s true, but you do have all the equipment.”

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.

The Redneck’s Milk

How did the redneck die drinking milk?

The cow sat on him!