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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Hack Golfer

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, “I’ve played so poorly all day, I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.”

The caddy looks back at him and says, “I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”

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Redneck Hitchiker

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he sees a priest hitchhiking on the road. He stops to pick up the priest, but he has a few misgivings about giving him a ride; usually when the driver sees a redneck on the road, he hits them — with a priest in the truck, he’d have to swerve. But the driver decides to pick up the priest.

A little while later, he comes across a redneck hitchhiking. He decides to just swerve and let this one live when, all of a sudden he hears a “BOOM!” The driver looks over at the priest, who says, “Don’t worry — I got him with the door.”

try War

A Tennessee man and an Alabama man were fighting in a war, and both were caught by the enemy. “Before i put you to death,” said the enemy, “do you have any last requests?” The Alabama man said, “Could you shoot me after you play the song ‘Yeah, Alabama?”
“Sure,” the man agreed. “How about you?”

The Tennessee man said, “COuld you shoot me before you play ‘Yeah, Alabam?”

Please Drink?!

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road.

The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.

The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

“Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?” asked the doctor.

“Sure, after the police leave,” replied the attorney.

Pet Fish

A man was stopped by a game-warden in recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”

The man replied to the game warden, “No, sir. These are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish?!” the warden replied.

“Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home.”

“That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that!”

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, “Here, I’ll show you. It really works.”

“O.K. I’ve GOT to see this!” The game warden was curious.

The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, “Well?”

“Well, what?” the man responded.

“When are you going to call them back?” the game warden prompted.

“Call who back?” the man asked.

“The FISH”

“What fish?” the man asked.

Olllllld Lawyer

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”

St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”