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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

NASCAR Samaritans

There were three NASCAR fans on their way to a race, when they see an accident on the side of the road so they pull over! They go to help the victim, but they realize she is naked, so they take off their hats. The first guy was a Earnhardt fan, and put his hat over her left breast. The second guy was a Elliot fan, and put it over her right breast!! The last guy was a Gordon fan, and put his hat over her crotch.

When the police arrived, the officer looks at the girl and goes to evaluate. He first picks up the Earnhardt hat, puts it back down and writes something down. He does the same with the Elliot hat. Then he picks up the Gordon hat and puts it down then picks it up again. He does this several times until the Gordon fan says, “What are you? Some kind of pervert?”

The officer replies, “No, I just usually find an asshole under one of these hats.”

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The Clever Lawyer

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”

“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”

The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer’s assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

The Heart Of The Matter

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.

“I do have three hearts,” said the doctor. “The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It’s $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It’s $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It’s $500,000.”

“Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!”

“Yes, but it’s from a laywer. It’s never been used.”

Farmer Joe and his Mule

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?”
“Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the–”
“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?”
“Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road–”
“Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.” By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and told the lawyer so.
“Well,” said the farmer, “as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”

Lawyer Send Me

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch – he couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “One million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer.”

Where’s My Pajamas?

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, “Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”
He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns. His wife asks, “Did you have a good trip?”
“Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.”
“Oh no I didn’t. I put them in your tackle box.”